December 25 2010

More Happy Christmas' everyone!
I hope everyone got what they wanted
I spent the day with my sister and her boyfriend and my dad taking funny pics then went back to my moms for dinner that I barley ate.
Last night wasn't so great and my phone broke :(
I got the Kat Von D Adora Case and Purfume! some money gift cards, earings and clothes.
For the next few day I'm going to my boyfriends house to have family Christmas stuff :) I love belonging with them.

Now for the real fun, new years needless to say there is a good chance of getting drunk :)

Happy Christmas Eve :)

Happy Christmas Eve everyone and I hope it really is happy!
My mom doesn't do much for christmas but that doesn't stop me from having my own little Christmas :)
I will cuddle up with coco and Christmas movies!
Tomorrow I get to soo my sister and I can't wait!!

Have amazing nights and Christmas Days or just a good day if you don't celebrate.

parents-ha

my parents shouldn't be called parents.

when I was small I was afraid to tell people what mother did to me because 1. I was just afraid she'd hurt me more and 2. I new they'd place me with my father and that scared me more for some reason that would be so hard to explain.
I grew up afraid and I still am afraid of what they can do to me.
I reach out to few maternal figures but I'm so afraid that if I connect with any they'll leave you know?
My parents hate each other and fight over everything  "usually me".
Tonight for example I was out of the house , the way I like it and when I got home my mother informs me my Dad had been calling threatning me for not calling him as usual and not being around and not being inside when he knew I was going to a friends, he was pissed, he was like fuck you merry christmas yadayada and then asks my mom for money which sets her on her anger towards him which turns to taking it out on me.
I hate being home...
How can I love me if my parents never did.

weekend over

I haven't posted pretty much because I've had strep throat and couldn't stay awake long enough to make a post!
Now I am feeling much better and only have some what of a cold-ish thing I shall post :)
I am ALMOST done Christmas shopping and I love love love wrapping presents so I'm having fun :) What shall Christmas have in store, well I get to see my sister who I never get to see so YAY and then I get to be with my mother -.-'.
Tomorrow I am finishing up my Christmas shopping with my boyfriend whom I'm going to have to shoo away at some point to get his gift!
I'm so glad its holidays but I still have holiday school work-ew but I won't think about that right now.
So I'm hovering at 119 right now since I have ended my fast and my liquid only diet due to strep throat :P
I want to lose more more more by Christmas and New Years.
I actually need to get in some better exersise though, winter is such a drag for out door running/ jogging.
Two pictures today! One is of a gift I wrapped and one if of a lovely picture i just like :)

Progress?

since my strep throat is keeping me awake i decided to take pics of me 3 days into my liquid fast. My stomach is discusting but its getting smaller..maybe.

I have strep throat D=

I went to the doctor today because my throat finally got so sore I just wanted to cry and couldn't even swallow my own spit! Turns out I have sever strep throat! Fail for me because I HATE having a sore throat. Plus side is I can't eat any food. But I am living off of soup and low cal hot chocolate :P I've now gotten to 119!! I can't believe I'm back into the teens but the sickness suuckkkss.
Down side is that I'm too sick to travel to see my brother so our plans got post-poned.
Stay strong beauties and pray for me to get better.

Day one of fast completed!

I made it through day one of my fast (with gum) !  I feel great!
Today  I woke up with a pain in my foot so bad I couldn't walk so I stayed home from school and slept!
I need to catch up on my homework but it'll be fine I hope.
It's only 8:40 but I think I will go to bed.
Here's hoping day two will be just as successful!!
I weighed in at 120 today!!! I can't believe I haven't seen that in a while but seriously I was 123 yesterday did 3 pounds just disapear? YAY
Love you beauties! <3
Pic: Kat Von D is seriously my idol shes a powerful women and a strong one! Her body is amazing and every tattoo is a part of her, I want one day to get tattooed by her! and I'm getting her tattoo chronicles for Christmas :)

here we go!

At the end of the day I weighed in at 123 and tomorrow I start my fast of only gum and diet coke and water. For the next four days I'll take pics and update my blog about my progress. Will we see a difference? I have no clue.
My day today was ok nothing special, babysat last night, I love babysitting.
hoping for a snowday tomorrow but it doesn't look like its going to happen. I guess its going to be a late night of homework I should have started.
Yes todays pic is of me at 123. What do you think? I know im fat.

122 moving on down

I weighed in this morning at 122lbs~ I'm moving on down. 7pounds to my first goal weight. I want to look thinner for when  I see my brother on friday! So my goal is to just not eat! Gum excluded. I've stalked up on diet coke and gum.
Today I babysat, I love babysitting!
I looked after my sick boyfriend.
Now I'm in bed trying to get some sleep.
My picture today, because I have red hair but not that long, its my thinspration.
Does any one know how to make my hair grow faster?
how is everyone?

see me

I'm now spending my night taking care of my boyfriend who never gets sick but it down with a cold. I want to make him all better. Its a good distraction, I've had soup for dinner and I'm having smart pop popcorn. I was thinking about how I want people to look at me when I'm tiny I want them to be like "what makes her so upset she looks like that." I want people to care about me, but I also know that I'll try to hide my weight lose.
back and forth, back and forth.
I want to looked after and cared for because I never was.
I want to be independent because I've always been owned.
Double post today~ I just generally feel like writing!
Whats everyone doing?
Any topic you want me to write about??

monnsster

I don't want to hate myself
I don't want to make myself not eat
I don't want to control everything
But I'm a disgusting  person
I want to be thin
I neeeed control
I am a boat of lard and getting, there has to be some way to stop
I want this disease and I don't
It kills me and sometimes its the only thing I live for.
I wish I could love myself but how could I.
Thats how I feel about anorexia today because I went out for lunch with my boyfriend and ate I actually ordered something that looked good, I haven't eaten since the last slice of pizza before my post yesterday, I ate and felt like shit with guilt and discust. Then my body involintarily threw it up on to the snow. FAIL
I'm ment for this disease and I hate sometimes
Anorexia is a monster but I feel like one.

my weight on repeat

back up to 126 but seriously i weighed with my clothes on. I've even 3 pieces of pizza today - gross. Tomorrow nothing but I am going out with my boyfriend who is always on me about eating. I am teaching him how to ice skate because I think ice skating in the park with all the trees lit up will be terribly romantic! Today I actually made a dent in my Christmas shopping! Still need to get my dad his slap chop, my mom whatever. My boyfriend jeeeze he is HARD to shop for X_x. Any way I think I got a good work out at the mall and treated my self to a new top extra flowy to hide my fat. And some new mittens because it is getting cold. School is back on because our town can operate again so all the teachers are freaking out about missing three days of school so they seem to have given it in homework. Now I must go try and make a dent in it!
I really want to drop ten pounds so i can get my tattoo!!
Night beautifuls!

snow day three -fail-

The sun is shinning but there is still snow everywhere and so no school. Everyone is doing something with someone. The buses however are not running so unless you drive you can't get anywhere further than a walking distance.
I got blown off last night and didn't get a girls night- whatever
I was suppose to hang out with people today and guess what I got blown off too -ouch
I'm telling my boyfriend this -who is going to hand out with some guy friends and hes like oh well that sucks, I'm like HELLLO BE A BOYFRIEND
I think no one wants to hang out with me because I'm just too ugly and fat and my friends are gorgeous and thin so they don't want me around embarrasing them.
I haven't eaten anything all day but its only two and I did have low cal hot chocolate.
I don't know what I'm going to do for the rest of the day except be depressed because my laptop is still in the shop and this computer is fusterating. I'm fed up and if people don't want me fine. Why would anyone like me anyway - I hate myself to.
Fail to snow day number three
back to school tomorrow.

Snow Day number two!

Today was snow day number two!
we have over 100cm of snow that has falling, nothing is running barley anything is open, malls are closed and buses stopped running!
The city almost went into a state of emergency where the military would have had to come in!
Tomorrow has already been declared another snow day. No school no nothing.
It was quite boring today as I stayed inside playing on the computer and reading. I love reading.
Now im listening to two new songs that are amazingly dance-y to me and stuck in my head. Starstruck by Lady Gaga ft. Space Cowboy and Flo-Rider and My Egyptian Lover by Space Cowboys and Nadia-Oh
Later tonight even though its already 8:50pm I'm going over to my friends (right across the street) to have a girls night with another friend to. We are drinking and hanging out. So needless to say I may be hung over tomorrow but hey its not like I have anywhere to be :P
I woke up at 121 this morning, I guess my body truly didn't need the extra 5 pounds it was at on Sunday lets hope it doesn't need 6 more pounds :)
Post tomorrow
love you beauties!

snow day!

Today I woke up and started getting ready till I looked out the widow SNOW and alot of it :)
snow days are the best but the city is basically on shut down :P
I spent the day with my boyfriend - need to say that he lives across the city and took me 1-2hrs to get there :P
there is already 30cms on the ground with 15-30 more to come.
needless to say there will probably be another snow day tomorrow which I will spend at home playing guitar hero and on the computer
I walked through the snow for so long I've burned so many calories today!
Weighed myself at 123 today ! its an improvement
I'm moving on down
I'm going to make low fat hot coco
welcome to the great white north :)

I am DISCUSTING

126 126 126 126 126 126 126 126 126 126 126 126 126 !!!!!!
I HATE IT I HATE MYSELF
I think to myself I want to be 115 again and then I remember I hated 115 to because I was "too fat" so now I don't even know how I can live with 126 pounds it makes me SICK. I'm huge and discusting I don't know how anyone can even look at me.
Today I ate fucking oatmeal 157 cals ! DISCUSTING
I was going to eat this tv dinner pasta thing and was like omg what are you doing and threw it out my window into the snow.
I don't ever want to eat again.
It better be a snowday tomorrow but obviously it won't because why would it be...
angry face..
I want to  cut the fat off my body
its making me so upset I was even being mean to my boyfriend who is so fusterated with me because I can't give him a straight answer to "whats wrong"
me + me = I want to die
I was thinking about diet pills I could buy off the shelf..thoughts?

Weekend blues.

I just weighed myself and the least I can say is it has ruined my weekend. I am at 125 and feel nasty. I was to drop 10 pounds my december the 19th or by christmas now how am I going to do that, I'll need to think.

My weekend is going to consist of me doing homework and studying.

I'm going to my dad's for the weekend so I won't be able to post but I'll see if anyone commented because I can check my e-mail

Hopefully I'll have my laptop back soon!

I'm gonig to see the new movie Black Swan this Sunday! can't wait I love any movies that have to do with dance plus it has Knesia Solo in it and shes my fav actress.

So yes must loose ten pounds!

Love you all. Perhaps I can report a weight loss by Sunday? keep you posted!
from my picture - I want a tattoo when I'm thin enough for one :-]

Hello end of the week :) hello snow!

Finally tommorw is friday!

It's SNOWING the winter is sooooo pretty, I was going for my evening walk and christmas lights just make it so much better!
Today I went to school..ta da!
Seriously though we are doing Hamel in English and I love it, is he pretending to be mad or is he really mad!
Sociology we started abuse in families and tomorrow we are watching movies on it, the teacher told us "if anyone is uncomfortable please come to me" I'm really..I am going to go to you and be like um ya hi..I was abused .. oh wait...I still am...REALLY :P
I have right now a non diet pop and gummy bears (gelitine free!) and you know what I'm eating them, I feel guilty as fudge but I am.
I'm joining GoodLife Fitness so I can take arobics and yoga =D EXCITEMENT
nothing else to interesting going on just crazy school work.
I'm spending the weekend at my dad's so I won't be able to post but I promise I'll post tomorrow :)
I know the picture is completly un related but I like it :)
Love you beauties
Stay strong <3

Dance audition tomorrow

Tomorrow I'm auditioning my lyrical dance to Sarah Mclachlan's Song for a Winter's Night and you know what I FIT INTO MY COSTUME DRESS =D
I realize I haven't posted in forever and it isn't until now that I got my old clunker computer working because my laptop bit the dust.
I can finally start posting again even though this computer sucks.
I'm working super hard in school now EW.
Any topics you want me to talk about just leave a comment.
love you beauties.

too fat for food

Today was a really slow day, I went to school and gave my monologue presentation, it went ok. Science is my favorite class and today we watched volcano presentations, I give mine tomorrow.
I didn't eat anything till lunch then I had mexi fries (no meat) not good but I ate them, then I went to have KD for dinner and I couldn't two bites and I felt sick to my stomach and I ran upstairs with the bowl of KD and dumped it out my window, I tried and I couldn't eat it. I'm to fat for food anyway. Another thing I broke down and wrote all the things I hate about myself all over my wall, my mom saw it and she was like well its not like your ever going to paint over this I can't believe you ruined the walls.. I'm like IM SCREAMING IN PAIN AND YOU CARE ABOUT THE WALLS!!! and then she said "I don't really want you here this weekend..."
I need to pick a song to dance to for a christmas assembly, ideas??

Harry Potter

need I say more?
release yourself in a magical world where you life doesn't matter
I love movies and I love books :D
Harry Potter has gotten me through so much
I'm off to see the new movie !!!!

I'm already dead inside

As a child I was beat hard, emotionally abused and lived with my drunken mother while my over protective crazed father tried to brain-wash me.
I suffer from self injury, anorexia and depression since the age of 10 and even before
I'm nictorious for fucking everything up when I let people in
I hate myself so much it usually just drives everyone away
I'm done I don't see the point in living if there is nothing to live for, I've tried screaming out for help I've searched for people to care and there aren't any.

family disfunctional

So my dad is freaking out that my brother and sister are alienating thing. I'm getting the rath because I'm being used as the messanger. I am the only link between them. and this doesn't even have anything to do with my alchy mom. So basically my brother ditched the family my sister moved away and we are far apart in age and I'm left. My Dad is like "oh you don't know what its like to be left alone" well I do, I didn't hear from my brother in years after he left, nothing and I only got to see my sister at christmas until she started adventuring and then I only got to see her when she had "time."
I just don't what to do.
I'm eating like a fucking cow
I'm cutting more
and I'm fiding more and more proof that im invisable to everyone
Distracted people never notice the invisible ones.
I could just walk straight off this earth....

home no so sweet home

I'm writing early today on my blog because I have to go to my fathers house at 3:30pm its his night with me, I don't like going but at this moment it'll be great to get away from my mom.
I've been in bed all day again and I'm on my laptop in bed typing this too you. I'm going to wash my face and brush my hair to wake myself up.  Its back to school for me tomorrow.
I have not eaten anything yet and do not feel hungry YAY!
I don't have much to say so I'm going to get my bum out of bed :)
Any questiions from anyone about anything I'd be happy to answer :)

fast fail, emotional shut down

I cut and I cut deep, I'm ok but not emotionally, I've taken today and tomorrow off of school. I broke my fast with something small, soup with some noodles. I can't really eat anything. I went from my newly gained 125 to 122. I feel so fat and discusting I just hate myself so much and I'm so depressed. I didn't get out of bed today until 5pm.
Depression won't let me move
it wont let me live
it makes me sleep or keeps me away
it makes everyone hate me and me hated everyone
it wont let me win

My mother today was like "your so stupid and nasty I can't believe I kept you, you can't do anything properly and then asked are you being bullied and I'm like no!! and I'm not.
She made me so angry.

new week tomorrow FAST

Tomorrow is a new week
My goal for this week, not eat until friday, thats right I'm going to fast till friday.
I have a date with my boyfriend friday  and i want to be lovely :) hes taking me out to the movies and then to pizza so maybe i can have a little :)
AND SUNDAY I GET TO GO SEE HARRRRYYY POOOTTTEEERRR what a perfect reward
I will make it I will get down to my first goal weight.
Goal weight # one reward, new jeans.

Song picked! weight blahhh

So I'm at 119 lbs. 4 pounds to my "normal" 115 and 9 pounds to my goal weight.
I picked a song to do my audition to and I'm going to post a link below of the song and the type of dance i'm going to do
.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E6N35Y1gSjc&feature=recentfmore
I don't know if anyone recognizes the song but it was in an eating disorder clinic documetary that I love.
I hope it goes well. I want to be as thin as the girl thats dancing to this song X_x
I'm so afraid that all anyone watching me audition is going to be thinking "God shes so fat"

Dance dance dance

My school is doing a dance showcase and I actually want to audition but I don't know what to audition yet. What would you like to see someone dance??? Help :)
Other than that today was bleky, my boyfriend got his mid term and it was not good he has to get it pulled up so we can go to the same universities!!
I did good on my mid term.
I'm sooooo exaughsted.
I neeeeed to loooosssee this weight -.-
BLAH
Sleeeeep.

Technologically handicaped/ poem

I just spent the last two hours figuring out for to convert files to make sure my project will open up at the school X_x
I've gained weight and I'm so mad at myself.
I don't really have much to say because I'm reallly exaughsted so I wrote something instead :)

I’m called wise for remembering the tricks simple humans teach me

I’m called strong for the lifting I do to survive

I’m thick skinned and nothing can hurt me

Accept the keepers of me

A gun, a spear, a knife

Will pentatrate my skin

I can care for myself

Independence

But you humans seem to rely on me

For white, wonderful, ivory

You care not for my life, nor my intelligence

Truthfully I am shy and strong

But you hurt me

Protect me.

Elephants are my favorite animal there so strong and wise but they can be over come by so much and humans treat them wrongly, I'm going to get a tattoo of an elephant with the words wise strong scared under neith as a representaion of what anorexia and cutting and mental health has done to me. 

school day.

I'm going to school ahahaha.
Seriously though its intense, I'm writing an essay I have no idea what to write for it.
I have a seven to ten page research lit paper omfg and I have to find my science text book because I lost it X_x
So today is a minimum food day, I had no breakfast and won't even be tempted by lunch because I'll be working in a classroom and then I'll sleep through dinner!
Yesterday I broke down to my boyfriend about most of everything and feeling like all the mental issues I have are taking a strain so on so forth.
Stay strong beauties!

Weekend, over

It's Sunday, the day to think "oh yay I've got the rest of the week stairing me in the face"
Whats in store for this week? boyfriends, essays, uni applications. working on an audition dance for a dance show no idea what song to use so if anyone has any ideas let me know :)
Just binged and it was nasty but ive done 800 sit ups as punishment
my goal this week is to lose 5 pounds this one week! I don't know if its possible but I'm going to try. I've learnt to avoid lunch with out suspision and have become great at "eating dinner" I sit at the coffee table alone to eat and I throw its all into a plastic bag and when my mom isn't looking or is in the shower I empty the plastic bag out in the wooded area behind my house TADA gone.
Stay strong everyone.

Screaming while invisible

Today I was forgotten. My English and Science teacher didn't even realize I was in class.
Another note, my cutting, I've been doing it so long and before that hurting myself in other ways its the only ways I grew up knowing how to manage my emotions. I have the worst self esteem but sometimes I wish there was another way for me to manage my emotions instead of feeling so out of control all the time and then cutting. My boyfriend knows I cut and he doesn't like that I do it but he doesn't seem to get that I'm screaming at the top of my lungs for help, sometimes I wish he would tell someone like his mom, sometimes I walk down the halls at school wishing someone would notice and care even though I cover them up. Sometimes I just want it to be all over but then I think its been going on for so long why bother won't I feel weird if I ever stop. The same thing goes for my eating disorder but thats more of a battle but sometimes I hold cutting alot closer, its who I am and what I was raised on.

Tired, but small proudness.

I pulled off the test better than I thought!
I will pull together my learning portfolio tonight.
I got english done. and one science lab done.
And you know what I haven't eaten in 42 hours =D
I hope I'm losing in fact...*running to scale*....118.5! small improvement but definatly better than the 123.5lbs I saw early this week!
Besides the fact I've got the shakes and a bit of neausea I feel great!
I'm going to go to my dad's and nap then get up and go out for dinner (salade no dressing!)
I'm feeling motivated.
Lets drop this weight.
Goal weight one: 115
Goal weight two: 110

Goal weight: 100

All nighter

I didn't go to school again today. I have a shit load of homework, most importantly my review for my sociology test tomorrow and I basically have no idea what I'm doing. I'm going to be up all night doing it. Then tomorrow I have to work on this HUGE project for sociology again all nighter. Plus i have english questions, read the Road figure out what the hell im going to write for my essay on the Road which i write on the 9th. PLUS I have science to catch up on with readings and questions and lab reports. HOLY EFFIN JEEEPERSS.
Plus side, it doesn't give me a whole lot of time to eat. I haven't eaten anything today and I have a 100 cal energy drink to get me through the night. YAY.

The depression is still there and its eating me alive its almost impossible to get out of bed. I broke down at the bus stop tonight begging my boyfriend not to go home and stay with me becuase im scared to be alone, he had to go home though. 

Depression.

I didn't get out of bed until 2pm today. I didn't go to school. I have homework to do, which I'm doing now and its so stupid. I don't think I'm going to get into my university program.
I cut myself last night after the night I had, I can't get happy and im spiralling out of control. I want so much to reach out but there seems to be no one there that can help, I don't know if I even what to let go of my habits. Its who I am its who I've always been.
Tomorrow I will go to school, I must, besides I've been cutting since I was 11 and no ones ever noticed, I have mad hiding skills.

Happy Halloween?

Happy Halloween
I handed out candy.
I got informed my mom can afford printer ink but she can afford alchohol and smokes and what she wants but i can't get things i need for school. She would be having problems at work if she layed off the drink. I'm trying to find a job buts its hard.
I can't stand things any longer. I want to be out of this place.
University is starting to scare me because I don't know if I'm good enough!
God I hate life.
I'm not going to school tomorrow, I have projects and things to study for that I need to do.
By the way I lost 4 pounds and obviously I'm still a fat worthless person.
Dear life I hate you
Dear mother stop drinking and beating

Dear everyone I'm sorry I cause so much problems.

Gaining...

I gained weight, I'm at the highest I've ever been 123.5 lbs (im 5'7'') I feel discusting. I need to get in shape, I need to lose. I hate myself, I will keep hurting myself till I get the message, I want to die, everything feels like its falling apart. I just annoy everyone around me. I'm not good for anyone.

homework

I skipped my last two classes at school today. I fell asleep till 7pm today. I have to read a 300 page book, write two essays, a dramatic monolouge, science notes and homework, plus projects for sociology. I feel so hazy and I know its going to be a late night working. I need to get a job as well so at least I'm a night hawk.
Blah.
On a higher note, I got my PT unity braclette in the mail today! Every time i see it on my wrist I'll be reminded of my goal.

I stayed under 800 cals today..

AWFUL, DISCUSTING, FAT!

I feel awful. I hate myself. I eat ... I had freaking pizza and popers and oatmeal today and coke! I've GAINED weight I'm not 223.5lbs and I don't know if it has anything to do with my period. My first goal is to just lose 10 pounds. God just with the stress of school and my family life still sucking majorly like always I'm just exaughsted and I need to get on track, control SOMETHING. I started writing my weight on my hand so if I pick up food I see it and get a reminder that I'm a heavyy discusting person. Aslo I went to a university presentation ...jezze.
Life is just blah. At least I have my boyfriend, but he makes me eat, I love him with all my heart but can't he see that I need to stop eating like the fat fuck I am?
I really don't want to self injure again, I've worked so hard to decrease that habbit but I can just feel it coming on.
I'm considering an other piercing but I don't know what, I have 6 ear piercings my belly button and my tounge.
FML today was an FML.
We had this presentation at school were this band came and talked to us about life and not hiding our talents and reaching out and so on. They were great and they did some preforming. They talked about troubled kids and problems and I'm like great I'm one of those kids, felt like crying the whole way through, but I don't show people my pain, I can't

 

I want her legs....

Goals

I have a goal this week, look ok in my halloween costume. This mean me fasting as many days as I can and staying under 200 cals days I don't. Wish me luck and I'll update :)
My new found obsession is the British drama Skins, I love it and I'm watching it from season 1.
Thats all really.

Stay beautiful.

Hello colder weather

Fail of a post today I supose.
I haven't eaten much, YAY
It was a PD day today so I spent it with my boyfriend and then came home because I was supose to spend the weeknd at my dad's who calls and says I'll pick you up tomorrow morning.
I have major amounts of homework but I'm going to do them tomorrow.
I will spend the rest of my day on the computer and bumming around.
I'm going to see if I can find anything I can sell on kijiji.
Love everyone who reads this <3 Stay strong

I miss summer, its gettng really cold here and the cold really gets to me.

home again

So I came home from school after at lunch today, its like I can't handle it anymore but I HAVE to make myself go. I need at least an 85% average to get into the University program I want. So ya today, fail just in general. But my new distraction is neopets, not even kidding. Tomorrow I go to visit my dad for the night meaning he will make me eat after that I go back to my plan. I just don't have anything to talk about..wow I suck. I need to read my english novel of 400 pages in seven days.... GO. Picture = thinspo for the day

Binge

I caved to two slices of pizza some candy and pop. Tomorrow i will be better.
My presentation went well and I make another presentation tomorrow.
I selpt as soon as I got home today because I did not sleep at all last night. I watched a good documentary last night though on youtube about this girl viki would has anorexia.

Nothing else much to say. I going to bed now. My mom is quite pissed at me for sleeping this afternoon after school but thats like her, always hating on me. More about that later.
This picture totally represents how I felt this morning after no sleep.

Pumping out projects

I am currently working on my science presentaion and my english presentation, its going to be an all nighter I supose. This weekend was fun. I am all good with my boyfriend, I love him sooo much <3. I really need to start losing this DISGUSTING weight. tomorrow im going to have under 200cals. Thats all I have to post about tonight since I'm working my butt off. Any questions for me? I think this photo is BEAUTIFUL, it really speaks to me, kinda like there can be beauty under all the muck, smog. Being surrounded my pain and this ED doesn't mean I can't become beautiful.

Its me isn't it?

So I decided to stay at my boyfriends house another night but I can use the computer :)
I'm upset, we were trying to find out how to open the battery compartment on his pocket watch that has a pocket knife at the end of it (not very sharp) I try opening the back of the watch with that then just start playing with it, looking at the design on it and he starts freaking out telling me not to play with it and I'm like why not? and he was "you know why" so I asked him to say why and he's like it looks like you can cut yourself or want to so this hurt me, he know I have a history of cutting but to automatically asume I'm going to cut and to freak out like that when I haven't cut in a while really pulled my heart. Does he think I'm just so broken? I feel broken....is he always going to think I'm like this....god I hate it and I hate me..I'm to blame. I cant add a photo tonight.

Progress...

I got my term one progress reports today at school. Im doing very good the only things any of my teachers had to say was my absences. Were there is progress in one area there is failure in an other, I ate lunch today because I felt as if I was going to pass out cold. I'm so tired right now but I have to get ready to get the bus to my boyfriends house, I'm spending the night and day tomorrow so I'll update my blog tomorrow night on all that happens. I need to grab my bathing suit for the hot tub. I did however get in 30mins of jogging today!!!! I have alot of homework this weekend...joy. I need something to make me happy and I'm thinking a weekend away from home may help. And maybe by the time I get to my boyfriend's place I can convince him I already ate dinner, I hate lying to him so much though. This picture sums up how I feel so many times.

Have a great weekend beautifuls <3 Stay strong.

This cycle has to stop

I can't sleep. my fault for sleeping today instead of being at school. Tomorrow I have to go. This weekend I am spending it at my boyfriend house. I have to eat there but I'll keep it to a minimum. Now I have to see if I'm going to go to sleep or push though until after school tomorrow and nap at my boyfriend. Also I get my progress report tomorrow, gulp.
I just love this picture I want this so bad.

No school..again

I am staying home from school today again. We are not doing anything in any of my classes today and I pulled a muscle in my back from work which I WILL NOT be returning to. I am not a quitter but I know my limits and this is one of them, I could see myself really injuring myself so I'm going to get a new job. I am going to go back to sleep now and probably post through out the day about lazing around the house :P
This picture is my warrior, being a warrior, getting what you want can be applyed to so many aspects in your life.