Sunday, January 30, 2011

I'm a monster

I'm a monster
here me growl
I make you shake
I make you scream
I make you run hide and never dream
I'm a monster
Can you find me?
I'm deep inside your inner being.

Today was just blah, I cut. I have to study all night and I really need an energy drink so the verity store better stay open.
Moving my sister yesterday was fun and distracted me from eating and I worked off what I did eat.
Tomorrow is my last exam then two days off and a new semester begins.
This is me:


I'm nothing but a fat fuck.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Bound for Toronto

Gooodmorning :P
thought I would post before I left for Toronto!
Helping my sister move is going to be hard work and I can't lift anything remotely heavy because I have no upper body strength once so ever.
It may be hard but I'm glad I at least get to see my sister!
Ok I've got to go get ready and wake the boyfriend up (he's gotten himself sick as of yesterday so I really hope he still wants to go this morning)
Have a great day beautifuls!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Exams you make me cry.

Sorry I haven't updated but I've been studying for my exams. So far I've had english (easy) and tomorrow I have sociology (cry.)
I'm going to be up all night studying. Blaaa.
So since I don't have anything to write about except the fact my skin is breaking out from stress and I'm eating more which this and stress make self injury worse I have a few links for you guys.

Do you read web  comics? I do. these are my two favorites.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Monday Magic

I woke up to nausea this morning and threw up a bunch lovely.
I dragged myself to school and wrote my english exam essay which I don't think went very well.
My friend got accepted into the university I wanted YAY but I'm a little anxious now pending my acceptance.

Tonight I watched Memoirs of a Geisha and fell in love with the beauty of the whole movie. Amazing music and senery and the story its self was so touching. A beauty hiding so much mystery. Sounds familiar
"Remember, Chiyo, geisha are not courtesans. And we are not wives. We sell our skills, not our bodies. We create another secret world, a place only of beauty. The very word "geisha" means artist and to be a geisha is to be judged as a moving work of art."
"She paints her face to hide her face. Her eyes are deep water. It is not for Geisha to want. It is not for geisha to feel. Geisha is an artist of the floating world. She dances, she sings. She entertains you, whatever you want. The rest is shadows, the rest is secret."
It is such a beautiful movie, I suggest you watch it.
Tomorrow I'm going to be skipping my classes.

goodbye as I listen to the soundtrack of my new found movie.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Sounds like Sunday

(I want to go roller skating)

I slept today.
I ate today.
I figured out some of my english today.
I will exersize today.
Today is Sunday.

Food Consumed.
Steemed Broccoli
Egg white omlete with red and green pepers
Fake chicken strips

Doing this everyday:
100 jumping jacks
90 crunches
80 squats
70 leg lifts
60 jumping jacks
50 crunches
40 squats
30 leg lifts
20 jumping jacks
10 minutes of running

Tomorrow is dress down day at school! I'm a fat ass but I'm still going to dress up.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Snowy Saturday

Today I ate so much I wish I could puke it up, but my body doesn't do that.
I had grill cheese, cheese cake, cafe mocha, and some popcorn. oh aand some crisps.
Didn't get to go to the comedy show because it was cancelled but me and my friends went to a movie instead, we saw No Strings Attached and it was funny :P
I bought a new jacket and dress for dress down day at school.
Next saturday I'm going up to Toronto to help my sister move :)
This weekend EXAM STUDY! Monday I write my final english essay on "how do the protaganists of The kite runner, Man for all seasons and Hamlet take control of their destiny"
wish me luck
*time to work out*
night beautifuls <3

Thursday, January 20, 2011

This Thursday Thick Thighs

fuck my thoughts.
fuck my fat cellulite thighs and ass.
fuck my body.
fuck that I want to die
time to work out till I shake again
-cruches for two longish songs
-squats till it burns and a little more
- dog hydrant thingers for my fat ass
-I already did some running today.
UPDATE: I did more than this! YAY
Tomorrows diet:
breakfast - nothing.
lunch- diet Pepsi possibly 50 cal soup (yay microwave at school)
dinner- avoidance but I'm going to be with the boyfriend so =/ I'll go back to my hiding food days, [I could make a whole baked potato with sourcream disapear seeming like I actually ate it, hah]

Tomorrows exercise:
-same routine as today but after the boyfriend goes to sleep

I'm going to Yuk Yuks comedy club again on saturday, could I please lose some weight  :P

Start of Thin Thursday

Last night I did actually work out! not till I threw up but non the less. I did crunches till my stomach was shaking when I did them, then I did squats and the plank for a rep of 10 side twists that just about killed me XD
Today for breakfast because I'm a strong believer in fruit breakfast , Pineapple! just a few square slices. And some coke for the energy.
I'm watching Arthur right now while I get ready for school, I skipped my period 4/5 class yesterday and will most likely get in trouble for it today but I don't really care.
Today at lunch I won't be eating anything and its my goal to sleep through dinner and not snack in science class, one person said the other day "are you and alexx always eating in science??" I felt like I was going to cry.
I'll let youu know how today went and my liquid fast if over! I went from 128 to 124 as of this morning!
Half and hour till the city bus gets here, betting get some make-up on!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Why Wednesday Why!

Today three people where talking about me. About how I looked healthier compared to the 110-115 pound 10th grader I use to be. I'm 125-128 pounds and in 12 grade and this may have come as a compliment to anyone else but I felt discusting and awful and sick to my stomach when this was said I wanted to bawl my eyes out.
I want to be skinny skinny skinny so you know what...their going to watch me shrink! I'm done.
Me and my boyfriend even got into a fight today because I'm not happy enough for him, well sorry I don't know how to be happy 80% of the time. Fuck.

One of my friends said something that I have been thinking for a long time today: "If my own mother can't love me how can I expect anyone else to?"

....*goes to work out*
I'm working out till I throw up!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

response to silent nightmare

Silent Nightmare asked me if I had ever imagined a scenario where I tell my friends about everything and if they reacted badly.
I have imagined many scenarios for many of my friends and some do turn out negatively based on how I know what their personality is like, if they are cold or superficial or just wouldn't know what to say its a very good reason for me to keep it to myself.
Most of my friends I wouldn't tell mostly because I wouldn't want to bother them with my life =/
Only very few friends know about my alcoholic/ abusive mother and barley anyone knows of my ED.
I just thought I'd share in a blog response so everyone could read it :)
Thank you for asking Silent Nightmare!
I say things about telling someone in my blogs a lot and I just really want it to be the right person I reach out to if I ever do and preferably I want it to be an adult that is like a mother to me. I'm struggling with that.
by the way I have formspring for fun now! at

testy tuesday

my friends needed me today. It seems like all my friends are going through stuff right now and I'm the one they come to. It feels good but inside I'm saying if only I could tell you what I do.

Liquid fast is going really well! but I did have a few high cal drinks :(

Exercise today consisted of
10 reps of 20 crunches
10 reps of 20 squats
1min of plank'
[nothing to serious]

Tomorrow I don't have anything planned
Exams soon, must study!

Monday, January 17, 2011

moody monday

I'm posting now because I'm going to my dad's right after school today and for the night and even if I wasn't I'm going to be way too tired to blog later today.
I stayed up all night to finish my sociology project and I'm sooo tired. I have to get through English presentations then lunch then sociology and science.
Today I'm starting my liquid fast because I can just say I'm too tired to eat lunch and to my dad I can say I'm not feeling well which will get me liquid soup.

I've put some more thought into my elephant tattoo and decided I want a Shakespeare quote under it. I've always loved Shakespeare and think its beautiful. I'm going to put some serious thought in getting it soon after I decide on a quote.

:) stay strong beautifuls.
wish me luck staying awake today!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Stupid Sundays

I had a lovely weekend with my boyfriend and it takes 5minutes at home to bring my world crashing back down.
my mom is so drunk per usual and shes all angry that my father is fine with my and not angry that I forgot to call him.
She couldn't work a phone to call and yell at him about me so she just yells at me and I'm trying to ignore her so I take myself to my bedroom when I want to be watching the Golden Globes.
Its also going to be an all nighter for my sociology project due tomorrow and I've only scratched the surface.

Still looking for a better mother. =/ I'll just be a 100000000000X better

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Thrashing Thursday

Rawr Rant
I was just watching the new and it was talking about how 50 people will lose their jobs at mental facilities because of budget cut from the city. Why would you cut something like that. It is proven that the people they serve will end up out in the cold. People who need help, who need therapy won't be able to get it. I live in a place where health care is free but it seems so limited. What if I finally decide to get help and there is no one there. Our city can afford new football fields and entertainment centers but we can't help people who really need it? It seems like their putting people who are sick with mental illnesses below people with other sicknesses and it makes me want to vomit.

Today in Life
Gave my Hamlet Presentation - went good!
Spent my whole lunch picking one low fat pudding.
Cleaned the fish tank in science

Tomorrows Shoes
Zombie marathon!
Being ok with not having a maternal figure being ok when I don't get what I'm looking for from the person I want to be my maternal figure.

-perhaps my new format for my blog <3

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


No one wants a damaged person, there too much work. No one wants me.
I went to my boyfriends house tonight, felt kind of ignored and just dazed today. I've just eaten so friggen much I'm so fat and ugly. I feel like "oh, you look sad today.." leaves you alone.
Just screaming out for help when no one wants to help you seems useless. If I was super skinny then maybe they could see. May cutting is just one way of saying hey I'm here I'm alive and I have the power.
My own mother can't love me, how can anyone else. especially another mother figure when all I want it "You look sad come here and I'll hug you"
Am I insane?
Am I asking too much?

I just want to be a strong woman. I'm so broken.

P.S - long night of homework ahead and my mother and father are fighting over the phone and I'm what their fighting about among other things then I get all the rath...

Monday, January 10, 2011

Monday Madness

I hate mondays to be honest.
I get up and go to school to struggle through my day terrified of the swarms of people and trying to learn what I can.
I went to my boyfriends today after school and made sure to stay out late enough for my mom to go to bed and now I'm tired but anything is better than my mother.
Me and my boyfriend went to the mall to wonder then went back to his place to watch TV and sit with his mom. I wish I had a mom like his growing up and even now, she is the most amazing person I have ever met.
My emotions are going nuts and I'm cutting alot more but not as much as I use to when I was 10-13. I want to scream out but I want to keep it to myself because I'm ashamed. But I need to do it. Fail.
However not eating is coming alot easier to me lately for no apparent reason of course depression might be helping.

Sunday, January 9, 2011


I spent my day watching eating disorder movies and documentaries. I like What's Eating You.
I'm feeling depressed again and am really fighting the urge to stay home from school.
I ate so much today, my dad took me to tim hortans and I have broccoli soup and a donut and hot chocolate, he ordered for me.
I had vegetarian chicken strips  and peas.
fail me.
Tomorrow is coffee. And avoiding massive amounts at food at my boyfriends.
Fighting the urge to cut is becoming harder and I bought arm warmers to cover my cuts.
I'm going job hunting tomorrow because me and my mom have 80 dollars till Thursday when she gets paid.
My insomnia is back so prepare for late night posts perhaps.
I've also been dreaming more when I do sleep.

In my dreams

Firstly, I handed in that report about my childhood, I wrote about daycare and that was it.
The comedy was hilarious and its nice to be able to go out and laugh, forget about all the shit and crap and just laugh so hard your face hurts.
Super super sad, my belly dancing classes where canceled!!! now I think I'm going to try and sign up for Ariel yoga, its like the circus people on those cloth ropes!! I really want to try it.
I spent alot of time last night trying to explain to my boyfriend why I cut, but obviously he can't understand and then he tried the if you do it I'll do it aproach I cried so hard trying to explain that it just doesn't work that way and finally got him to promise me not to do. I've been cutting for so long I've never truly learnt other ways to channel my emotions and it just feels so apart of me.
Coming to the main point of this blog now, dreams. I have so many dreams of someone coming to saving my from this home this life this disease its rediculis. Last night I dreamt someone who doesn't know of my cutting that I hold close to me saw them and wanted to help. I know its probably my body screaming out for help but I just can't do it. I think about getting better but I can't see who I would be after getting help. I've always been damaged.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Decapitated Walls.

Blah feelings of doubt and insecurity.
Today was a really bad day at school, considering I got minimal sleep from staying up late last night finishing my Hamlet 12 page report I was on hypersensitivity mode.
In sociology we are learning about child early years development, attachment and the effect on later life. We are to write a report about our childhood. Mine would look like this, my mom screwed me up beat me up and  hates me, now i'm fucked with an ed cutting and anxiety.. that is not an option. Staring at the blank paper wonder how to concoct a wonderful lie of a beautiful childhood in contrast to my own childhood gave me a panic attack.
I'll make up something or not hand it in at all.
When I think about how much my childhood has screwed me up I want to puke.
Tomorrow I'm going out with friends to a comedy show which i won tickets to. I booked the tickets so I can get them at the door tomorrow, I always get fears something is going to go wrong.
Saturday I start my first of three belly dancing classes in hopes of some confidence.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Anyone there?

I don't know if anyone reads my blog anymore but I'm hoping so!
the past few days of school have been really sad because we've lost a great student and the whole school is in mourning.
I'm starting a new fruits and veggie diet only!
I shall keep you posted on that
this month is crazy , exams and final tasks. dive in.

Does this rule me.
Take me.
Put my heart aside.
Shake me.
Lift me.
Hear me.
Help me.
I'm screaming through the white walls.
The white walls with ED slashed on it red paint.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Welcome 2011

I haven't posted in a while because I've been going through somethings with my family..
I'm glad its a new year and for new years I did end up drinking quite a bit but didn't get very drunk oddly enough.
I neeeeed to lose this weight that I'm carrying on my hips and legs its reallly bad.
I was wondering if anyone knows of any sites that you can sell your poetry?
Today I'm going to my dad's house and hes taking me out to dinner (he is ok if I get salad!) speaking of parents yesterday my mom poked at my sides and was like you'll never be a model with these!! (love handles) I just about bawled.
I have about 8 hours of homework ahead of me because I go back to school tomorrow (bleck) 3 weeks till exams!! (gulp)
My boyfriend just went home and it feels so lonely without him because I love him so much and I've been trying to surround myself with people lately.
Ok well I shall update later :)
any topics people would like me to write about?
love you all.