Tuesday, September 6, 2011

goodbye summer

passing out in mac donalds was an ironic situation. I went with my friends (I only ever get drinks at mac donalds) and I was standing in line with them when the room kinda got blurry then well I woke up -.-'
Ofcourse in my 120 pound body (yes i've lost 4 pounds) no one would suspect me of not eating so I "was coming down with something" - thus I got free juice.
I don't recommend running and not eating since lunch the previous day -.-'

School starts in exactly 5 hours and I've decided to make the best out of my victory lap.

I went job hunting today so hopefully I get a call!

Also - starving is addictive - cutting is addictive and both my parents struggle with alchoholism so I have a very addictive personalitly - my new thing is scratch cards - all though I've only spent 8dollars on two of them and am just playing off of my winnings I can feel that "rush" and am watching myself carefully.

I have also successfully located a long sleeve knit sweater uniform piece for school - not too hot to wear this time of year so no one will question why I am wearing it (yes I am hiding cuts).
and for some reason I think it will be fun to post a picture of me in my uniform tomorrow - weird me.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

its been since april since I've posted
reasons being
-someone I knew found this blog
-my exboyfriend of 2andahalf years broke up with me
-i started a new blog
- if you want to follow my new blog please message me :) and i'll send you the link (or just comment on your blog with the link) ;)

Sunday, April 3, 2011

for now

For now I am denying myself my blog. Blogging is really important to me and I just feel so discusting and fat and like I can't stop eating so this is my punishment. I'll come back to you all when I'm in a space I am comfortable. Perhaps 120 okay?
I'll still be reading your blogs :)
you can contact me or just post and I'll respond.

I'm officially off the rails <3
[yeah i love effy]

Friday, March 25, 2011

Click Clack

I started my first day of tap today and absolutely loved it. It was so much fun to learn something I've never done before. It was also dress down day today = I feel so ugly in everything I wear.
I'm screaming out for someone without making a sound
I've been having a rough time lately (as I'm sure you can tell) - my self esteem is in the pits and I'm fatter than I have been in a looonnng time. Tomorrow I'm going on the elliptical for 2 hours.
I need to organize myself a meal plan - 
I'm so depressed and I need a way out
This weekend is going to suck I'm stuck at my dads house.
I need some sleep - gotta get up in the morning.
Sometimes in dance I feel invisible and inferior but mostly that's just life - it bugs me more in dance- possibly because I want to be the beautiful thin dancer....
Have a good day tomorrow everyone - I love you all <3

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Way over weight Wednesday

I can't bare to look at myself in the mirror any more, I'm huge. at 129 pounds I'm a fucking whale to myself.
I got an elliptical today so I'm deffinatly going to be on that ALOT.
I joined tap club at school - just watch my thighs jiggle alot..
I'm so ticked at myself for eating so much- my solution - get busy. Not bringing money or bank card to school and working out after school or sleeping.
I need to lost alot of weight. Maybe by semi formal? April something or other.
If I don't soon I don't know what I'll do.
Regardless of my pure self hatred I did have a good time with my friends tonight watching America's Next Top Model.
Tomorrow is dress down day - I have no idea what I am going to wear - I'm fat in everything so whats the point in trying.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

life is so blank right now
nothing is going on
 I feel useless - even in dance class at school I feel like an out cast.
I hope tomorrow is a snow day - it is snowing pretty hard.
I hung out with a friend today - I actually had a good time - I ate a bagel today. I didn't touch my dinner and it created a huge fight.
(Big sweaters are my favorite~)
love you who read my blog <3

Sunday, March 20, 2011

farewell march break :(

And so my march break has come to an end. I don't want to go back to school but it serves as a great distraction.
Tomorrow I am going to a concert.
My relationship is on the rocks off and on. So much for one thing in my life I thought was stable.
I burnt my arm - fail. now I have a very obvious bandage on my wrist.
Hope every one has a good night and sleeps well <3
I have twitter now for those twittering people <3 SarahLexxi  follow me :)

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Happy St.Patrick's Day

Happy St.Patrick's Day Everyone.

I'm 129 pounds right now, the highest I've been in a while - its discusting, I'm discusting and lazy and fat and deserve to die. 

I'm Irish and I don't even feel like celebrating, I'm to fat for celebrations.

I remember when I was at 115 I thought I was too fat and wanted 110 - I'd do anything to be back there again.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


I haven't been able to bring myself to write and then I just didn't have time. I spent the beginning of my March break visiting the two universities that I am considering and realized that I want to switch to another school my second year anyway X_x.
I wanted to be skinny for St.Patrick's Day - fail.
Since I am Irish tomorrow is a big day for my family therefore - party - green everything and so on so forth.
My latest goal is to loose weight (about 5 pound at least) by Monday - I have a concert and a dance test. Hope I don't fail - but I'm determined.

I haven't used the scale in the past three days - I walked for 8 hours... I ate twice.

I failed at giving up pop and cutting.
My mom almost found out I smoke sometimes.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Give it up

 --I'm giving up pop for Lent, Lent starts tomorrow and lasts about 44 days.
I have to get out of bed tomorrow but I don't know if I'll go to bed at all.
I hate depression but who would I be without it.
Tomorrow: smoke - water. nothing. empty.
Bonus - I can say I'm fasting for Ash Wednesday.
I binged on chocolate today - double fail for depression - im paying for this binge - cutting free = fail.
i need smokes fuck being 17 sometimes. i'll get them.
cuteness helps with saddness

middle day

I am not in school today and its the last week before March Break so I should be in school but I feel to fat and ugly and depressed to have even gotten out of bed this morning.
I slept for 11 hours and I'm still kinda sleepy. with me its either I sleep alot or I can't at all.
I hope everyone is having a good day. Post later <3
Love you all.

Monday, March 7, 2011

-- sleep needed.

I don't feel like updating my fingertips and burnin up page: I ate 500 calories and burnt 610.

I feel tired and sick and I want it to be friday.

            School sucked today, I feel like I want to disappear but of course I'm too fat.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

cry + times are changin.

Fail day number two.
I feel like a fat ass and look like one to.
I ate so much!
and for some reason I feel more motivated than ever. This week is veggie and fruit only week.
I don't care and I'm not going to let anything stand in my way!
I want:
fake nails.
teeth whitening strips.
acne stuff.
Its make over time.
watch me shrink, I'm going to do it and I'm not going to stop.
I had pizza for dinner *barf* and my friend texts me this : " I had spagetti and garlic bread, it was balanced and healthy." I'm like 3-2-1- open guilt gates.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Sucky Saturday

Binge Day - no I don't want to talk about it you can see my failure in the fingertips section - I feel sick. I will stay under 400 all next week.
Went to boyfriends today - made me eat.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Friday alone

So school was good nothing much went on. My friends and I went to MacDonald together and I RESISTED TEMPTATION (from milkshakes and grill cheese -the only things I can eat there). I was great because I ate my grapes and broccoli with a diet coke while my friends chowed down. :)  I'd like to say restricting and exercising have been going well the past few days but I still feel like a fat ass. I added another page to my blog called burnin up to log my exercise so you an me can see if i've burnt off more than I ate ect.
Again if there are any other pages you want to see let me know I'm open to ideas!!
As far as my friday night I've done nothing productive :P I painted my face like David Bowie and took pictures xD
Stay lovely <3

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Under the Covers

I bring you this blog update from insides a blanket.
I know I told myself I'd go to school today but I just couldn't bring myself to go =/. I feel depressed and I can't tell anyone so its "I'm not feeling well".
I have to go to school tomorrow because its my first day in my peer tutoring class and I have a philosophy test.
Blah I just feel so down =/
I can't bring myself to do anything.
Hugs for everyone who might be in the same boat.
My ed is also driving me nuts per usual its haunting me to exercise even though depression has drained me (I slept 14 hours too!) I can't eat over 500 cals or I'll just die.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011


Sometimes I wish there was a magical button to make the fat go away but sadly there is not.
I created a new page on my blog (after half an hour of trying to figure out how!) Its called fingertips -no I'm not going to have a running theme with body parts I've seen that been done a few times so ya :P
Hopefully my pages will grow.
For now fingertips is were I am going to post what I eat everyday and how much I weigh. I need to keep track and I think if I have the thought that I'm going to post it then I'll eat less perhaps. But I promise if I eat like a cow I will post truthfully.
Why fingertips you ask? well I imagine most people use their hands to eat. :P not much creativity I know.
If you have any suggestions for other pages you want me to have let me know =D

As for my day? - I stayed home from school and slept and did homework :P

America's Next Top Model is on tonight :)

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

I'm trying

today I went crazy job hunting so I hope I get a job! I did get a few on the spot interviews so fingers crossed!
I'm so exaughsted its rediculous and I'm staying home from school tomorrow.
I exercised my ass of today with dance for 80 minutes, 3hrs of walking and some sit up for a total of 880 calories burned.
I ate fruits and veggies today!!!
nothing much else to say because I am exhausted :P

Monday, February 28, 2011

Monday maddness

Mother: Your tired
Me: I'm not tired
Mother: I can tell
Me: no you can't
Mother: yes I can!
Mother: your scaring the cats, if your not tired then clean up...seriously lets go...clean
Me: I'm doing homework
Mother: Why your stupid anyway
Me: My grades would disagree with you
Mother: I can tell your tired, you better take your B6

ya a little play of my normal mother conversations. not even fights
today sucked but I looked remotely good for my grad pictures.
I ate - fuck. Why can't  I just stop, I've cut down and I'm still a fat ass. I just want to stop eating all together, I will ... coffee I want coffee and a smoke.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

fudge my life-

I think I passed my biology test thank goodness.
Was at my dads place all weekend so I couldn't blog - sorry.
My mom is still bitching and won't let my go on this school trip to Ottawa, shes bitching about everything and when I don't do something she is so mean about everything and then shes all "your tired" and I'm like no I'm tired. Shes like don't blame me if your pictures are awful. Shes so sure she knows everything about everything. Then she blows up in anger. - I'm not sure how much longer I can take it here. and she is your classic neat freak everything must be clean (which usually means empty and white).
I'm depressed and so fucking tired of being so fucking fat I need to make rules for  myself and get thin thin thin.
I hate myself and I'm no good to anyone.
Grad photos tomorrow and I'm sure to be ugly as usually and dress down day so I'm sure to look so fat in whatever I wear.

Thursday, February 24, 2011


I am so stressed out!
I have a biology test tomorrow and I am so not ready! I don't want to fail I want to do well so I'm studying my ass off! (haha I wish my real ass would go away). I have so much on my plate because its my last year in highschool.
I hate hate hate x1000 my ugly fat body so much it hurts. I don't want to consume anything! I have graduation photos on Monday! I need a hair cut and new make up and teeth whitening kit to try and mask my ugly fat face :(
I just want to crawl in a hole and pretend like I don't have to worry about my future.
If I was beautiful and skinny life would be easier.
Uggggggg, and there is a winter storm warning for my area but it never snows enough to close school when you need it to be closed!!!
I still haven't cut but at this point its soooo tempting. my mother is being a bitch like usually, yelling at me and blaming me for everything and ofcourse drinking her problems away and taking it out on me while I try and study.
boy oh boy....
maybe if I just stay concentrated (ha!) I won't have to eat.
hope everyone is better off than me! love you beautifuls. <3

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


I'm going prom dress shopping tomorrow!!! I can't wait even though I know I'll look fat in a lot of things.
I've just drank a 20cal energy drink to finish my homework X_x
I am going job hunting thursday.
I have even more crazy amounts of school work so gulp!
and you know what time it is here in Canada ... ROLLL UP THE RRRIM, now I've never one but I drink so much coffee (usually black) around this time of year :P
I'm wired in xD
Stay beautiful ladies and gents.
Still cut free! but feeling the urge again and stress and not knowing how to handle everything, I'll keep you posted.
Check out and comment my deviantART profile / pics http://sarahbumblebee.deviantart.com/

Sunday, February 20, 2011

my gosh!

I just realized I haven't posted in forever!!
I've been sick and busy - not a good combination
I have projects coming out my ass and I need a job soooo badly.
Today I went shopping and got some clothes (which I rarely do)
I went to a party last night and I never want to drink again, I was so drunk it wasn't funny. UGG
I don't have much else to say but lets see.
I am still cutting free!!
I weighed 123 this morning!
I am getting more into photography again~ http://sarahbumblebee.deviantart.com/
I am exaughsted. good night!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Tuesday 15. 2011 (real unique)

The peer tutoring trip today was fun except for the fact I had a major head ache all day. I got home and scanned some notes for a friend and then took a nap. My mother cooked me dinner; potatoes, burrioto and peas, all of it went into a plastic bag which I threw out. I feel like I'm not losing any weight and it sucks. Tomorrow I have my dance test for hip hop *gulp* and I need to catch up in all my classes because I've missed two days due to peer tutoring trips. I found my prom dress today and I love it. Its green :) I'll show you! Other than that I'm not really doing anything right now but tomorrow I need to get with my partner for my philosophy project and work on it! I still haven't thought of anything to do to re invent myself. thoughts? ...

Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentines Day

Today was Valentine's Day so I hope everyone has a good one or even just a good Monday.
I had a good V day and got a teddy bear :)
Tomorrow I have yet another peer tutoring field trip! This one is about conflict resolution and we don't have to wear our school uniform *gulp* that means I have to look decent and all I can think is how fat and ugly I look in everything!
I'm really sleepy now so I better get some sleep.
Good night beautifuls.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

the mirror reflects noone.

Do you ever see someone and think "I wish that was me" or how confident they are and you just doubt yourself?
I'm feeling the need to re invent myself. I need things that I can change. I'm getting back into photography and art so check out my deviant art account : http://sarahbumblebee.deviantart.com/
It seems like I'm bothered by someone who has decided to do the same things as me, I said I was going to start writing again, they decided the same things. maybe its just this circle of needing something all on my own.
So re invent myself I will
first goal : drop 20 pounds go from 124- 104.
I can work on other goals as they come along.
Becoming vegan is slowly coming into play now to as I've cut out half of my dairy.
For tonight I am going to watch the grammys :) (loving katy perry)
Tomorrow is Valentines day, even though my relationship has been rocky lately I'm cooking a romantic dinner tomorrow. 

Friday, February 11, 2011

*happy dance*

Despite having an awful fight with my mother last night today has been great.
I woke up this morning to discover that I got accepted to university!
Egypt is on the road to democarcy
My peer tutoring field trip was fun
I didn't do awful on my report card
I'm making steps to become vegan for a while!

now I'm going to take a nap
(hunger headache)

Days cutting free: 4

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

living, breathing, existing

Today was tiresom just school school school.
My classes are fun but I constantly get feeling for not being good enough or smart enough.
It really bothers me that some people can get great marks and not do anything and not study while others have to work their asses off (me).
For tonight I am going to nap, practice a hip hop dance I'm being tested on and do philosophy and bio homework and work on my online course.
Not cutting has been going good for the last two days but its only been two days. Its been bothersome having cuts on my arms (from the last time I cut) and trying to hide them in dance class.
nothing really else to say.

Cutting Free: Two Days

Monday, February 7, 2011

Break Free from razor!

So I have decided to stop cutting. I'm not saying I'm quitting cold turkey but I'm going to see if I can do it for two weeks and if I can another two weeks and so on! I'm so scared because I have been cutting since grade 5. I hope along my journey all of you will be with me <3 I will try and use other outlets for my stress but this may back fire considering I may put more attention on not eating and exersizing. I'll be updating you and will have my days free cutting tally. If I stay cut free for two weeks I'm going to buy myself something cheap for a month I'll get something better. One thing I am worried about is losing control, I'm going to do some research on how I can handle this and maybe talk to someone. Maybe the school nurse, I'll have to check to make sure she can't tell my parents.
Stay strong beauties. I never thought the day would come where I could ever see considering to quit cutting.

On another note, dance class today was super tiring and lots of work and no one talks to me, I'm so invisible but whatever.
I don't eat lunch or try to pack something healthy and low cal because I don't want to faint after dance!

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Oh the virtual classroom

I have discovered I do not have much liking for online classes. I am taking an online class and I am un believably lost :P
I am feeling much better health wise though!! YAY.
Back to school tomorrow blah.
everyone have a good sunday ok :)

Friday, February 4, 2011

Yay Friday?

It's Friday night and I am home alone and really quite sick. Coughing, sore throat, stuffy nose and head ache. So basically I'm eating (more like drinking) low cal soup and tea for my throat and spending lost of time on the computer listening to music, playing neopets and surfing facebook and pretty thin. I even have an online course I could be doing -.-'
School is actually going pretty well, I'm enjoying my new semester. Dance is the best and man am I getting a work out! We are learning a hip hop dance right now to bep boop by the black eye peas :) I love it.
Still no acceptances from university and I'm starting to get anxious.
For tomorrow? Sleep and maybe see the boyfriend ( he did such a good job at taking care of me today)
I  want to sink in to the floor
Never to appear once more
Fade so thin
To places I've never been
Make my wishes come true
Let me tell the stories about how I once flew.
I do quite like writing :)

Wednesday, February 2, 2011


ya I'm sick. I've worn myself thin and caught a cold that feels like so much worse because my body can't take it.
My mother is being unbelievable lately, insulting me and putting me down I'm like wow if you hate me so much then why did you keep me.
I start a new semester at school tomorrow and I am soooo not ready.
I have Peer Toutoring, Philosophy, Dance and Biology.
I don't really have much to say because I've been sick and avoiding home (I should start bringing my laptop with me).
Tomorrow I'm going to my dads after school.
Now I'm going to track down some binders and paper and dance clothes.
Good night

Sunday, January 30, 2011

I'm a monster

I'm a monster
here me growl
I make you shake
I make you scream
I make you run hide and never dream
I'm a monster
Can you find me?
I'm deep inside your inner being.

Today was just blah, I cut. I have to study all night and I really need an energy drink so the verity store better stay open.
Moving my sister yesterday was fun and distracted me from eating and I worked off what I did eat.
Tomorrow is my last exam then two days off and a new semester begins.
This is me:


I'm nothing but a fat fuck.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Bound for Toronto

Gooodmorning :P
thought I would post before I left for Toronto!
Helping my sister move is going to be hard work and I can't lift anything remotely heavy because I have no upper body strength once so ever.
It may be hard but I'm glad I at least get to see my sister!
Ok I've got to go get ready and wake the boyfriend up (he's gotten himself sick as of yesterday so I really hope he still wants to go this morning)
Have a great day beautifuls!

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Exams you make me cry.

Sorry I haven't updated but I've been studying for my exams. So far I've had english (easy) and tomorrow I have sociology (cry.)
I'm going to be up all night studying. Blaaa.
So since I don't have anything to write about except the fact my skin is breaking out from stress and I'm eating more which this and stress make self injury worse I have a few links for you guys.

Do you read web  comics? I do. these are my two favorites.



Monday, January 24, 2011

Monday Magic

I woke up to nausea this morning and threw up a bunch lovely.
I dragged myself to school and wrote my english exam essay which I don't think went very well.
My friend got accepted into the university I wanted YAY but I'm a little anxious now pending my acceptance.

Tonight I watched Memoirs of a Geisha and fell in love with the beauty of the whole movie. Amazing music and senery and the story its self was so touching. A beauty hiding so much mystery. Sounds familiar
"Remember, Chiyo, geisha are not courtesans. And we are not wives. We sell our skills, not our bodies. We create another secret world, a place only of beauty. The very word "geisha" means artist and to be a geisha is to be judged as a moving work of art."
"She paints her face to hide her face. Her eyes are deep water. It is not for Geisha to want. It is not for geisha to feel. Geisha is an artist of the floating world. She dances, she sings. She entertains you, whatever you want. The rest is shadows, the rest is secret."
It is such a beautiful movie, I suggest you watch it.
Tomorrow I'm going to be skipping my classes.

goodbye as I listen to the soundtrack of my new found movie.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Sounds like Sunday

(I want to go roller skating)

I slept today.
I ate today.
I figured out some of my english today.
I will exersize today.
Today is Sunday.

Food Consumed.
Steemed Broccoli
Egg white omlete with red and green pepers
Fake chicken strips

Doing this everyday:
100 jumping jacks
90 crunches
80 squats
70 leg lifts
60 jumping jacks
50 crunches
40 squats
30 leg lifts
20 jumping jacks
10 minutes of running

Tomorrow is dress down day at school! I'm a fat ass but I'm still going to dress up.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Snowy Saturday

Today I ate so much I wish I could puke it up, but my body doesn't do that.
I had grill cheese, cheese cake, cafe mocha, and some popcorn. oh aand some crisps.
Didn't get to go to the comedy show because it was cancelled but me and my friends went to a movie instead, we saw No Strings Attached and it was funny :P
I bought a new jacket and dress for dress down day at school.
Next saturday I'm going up to Toronto to help my sister move :)
This weekend EXAM STUDY! Monday I write my final english essay on "how do the protaganists of The kite runner, Man for all seasons and Hamlet take control of their destiny"
wish me luck
*time to work out*
night beautifuls <3

Thursday, January 20, 2011

This Thursday Thick Thighs

fuck my thoughts.
fuck my fat cellulite thighs and ass.
fuck my body.
fuck that I want to die
time to work out till I shake again
-cruches for two longish songs
-squats till it burns and a little more
- dog hydrant thingers for my fat ass
-I already did some running today.
UPDATE: I did more than this! YAY
Tomorrows diet:
breakfast - nothing.
lunch- diet Pepsi possibly 50 cal soup (yay microwave at school)
dinner- avoidance but I'm going to be with the boyfriend so =/ I'll go back to my hiding food days, [I could make a whole baked potato with sourcream disapear seeming like I actually ate it, hah]

Tomorrows exercise:
-same routine as today but after the boyfriend goes to sleep

I'm going to Yuk Yuks comedy club again on saturday, could I please lose some weight  :P

Start of Thin Thursday

Last night I did actually work out! not till I threw up but non the less. I did crunches till my stomach was shaking when I did them, then I did squats and the plank for a rep of 10 side twists that just about killed me XD
Today for breakfast because I'm a strong believer in fruit breakfast , Pineapple! just a few square slices. And some coke for the energy.
I'm watching Arthur right now while I get ready for school, I skipped my period 4/5 class yesterday and will most likely get in trouble for it today but I don't really care.
Today at lunch I won't be eating anything and its my goal to sleep through dinner and not snack in science class, one person said the other day "are you and alexx always eating in science??" I felt like I was going to cry.
I'll let youu know how today went and my liquid fast if over! I went from 128 to 124 as of this morning!
Half and hour till the city bus gets here, betting get some make-up on!

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Why Wednesday Why!

Today three people where talking about me. About how I looked healthier compared to the 110-115 pound 10th grader I use to be. I'm 125-128 pounds and in 12 grade and this may have come as a compliment to anyone else but I felt discusting and awful and sick to my stomach when this was said I wanted to bawl my eyes out.
I want to be skinny skinny skinny so you know what...their going to watch me shrink! I'm done.
Me and my boyfriend even got into a fight today because I'm not happy enough for him, well sorry I don't know how to be happy 80% of the time. Fuck.

One of my friends said something that I have been thinking for a long time today: "If my own mother can't love me how can I expect anyone else to?"

....*goes to work out*
I'm working out till I throw up!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

response to silent nightmare

Silent Nightmare asked me if I had ever imagined a scenario where I tell my friends about everything and if they reacted badly.
I have imagined many scenarios for many of my friends and some do turn out negatively based on how I know what their personality is like, if they are cold or superficial or just wouldn't know what to say its a very good reason for me to keep it to myself.
Most of my friends I wouldn't tell mostly because I wouldn't want to bother them with my life =/
Only very few friends know about my alcoholic/ abusive mother and barley anyone knows of my ED.
I just thought I'd share in a blog response so everyone could read it :)
Thank you for asking Silent Nightmare!
I say things about telling someone in my blogs a lot and I just really want it to be the right person I reach out to if I ever do and preferably I want it to be an adult that is like a mother to me. I'm struggling with that.
by the way I have formspring for fun now! at http://www.formspring.me/SarahAlexisB

testy tuesday

my friends needed me today. It seems like all my friends are going through stuff right now and I'm the one they come to. It feels good but inside I'm saying if only I could tell you what I do.

Liquid fast is going really well! but I did have a few high cal drinks :(

Exercise today consisted of
10 reps of 20 crunches
10 reps of 20 squats
1min of plank'
[nothing to serious]

Tomorrow I don't have anything planned
Exams soon, must study!

Monday, January 17, 2011

moody monday

I'm posting now because I'm going to my dad's right after school today and for the night and even if I wasn't I'm going to be way too tired to blog later today.
I stayed up all night to finish my sociology project and I'm sooo tired. I have to get through English presentations then lunch then sociology and science.
Today I'm starting my liquid fast because I can just say I'm too tired to eat lunch and to my dad I can say I'm not feeling well which will get me liquid soup.

I've put some more thought into my elephant tattoo and decided I want a Shakespeare quote under it. I've always loved Shakespeare and think its beautiful. I'm going to put some serious thought in getting it soon after I decide on a quote.

:) stay strong beautifuls.
wish me luck staying awake today!

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Stupid Sundays

I had a lovely weekend with my boyfriend and it takes 5minutes at home to bring my world crashing back down.
my mom is so drunk per usual and shes all angry that my father is fine with my and not angry that I forgot to call him.
She couldn't work a phone to call and yell at him about me so she just yells at me and I'm trying to ignore her so I take myself to my bedroom when I want to be watching the Golden Globes.
Its also going to be an all nighter for my sociology project due tomorrow and I've only scratched the surface.

Still looking for a better mother. =/ I'll just be a 100000000000X better

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Thrashing Thursday

Rawr Rant
I was just watching the new and it was talking about how 50 people will lose their jobs at mental facilities because of budget cut from the city. Why would you cut something like that. It is proven that the people they serve will end up out in the cold. People who need help, who need therapy won't be able to get it. I live in a place where health care is free but it seems so limited. What if I finally decide to get help and there is no one there. Our city can afford new football fields and entertainment centers but we can't help people who really need it? It seems like their putting people who are sick with mental illnesses below people with other sicknesses and it makes me want to vomit.

Today in Life
Gave my Hamlet Presentation - went good!
Spent my whole lunch picking one low fat pudding.
Cleaned the fish tank in science

Tomorrows Shoes
Zombie marathon!
Being ok with not having a maternal figure being ok when I don't get what I'm looking for from the person I want to be my maternal figure.

-perhaps my new format for my blog <3

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


No one wants a damaged person, there too much work. No one wants me.
I went to my boyfriends house tonight, felt kind of ignored and just dazed today. I've just eaten so friggen much I'm so fat and ugly. I feel like "oh, you look sad today.." leaves you alone.
Just screaming out for help when no one wants to help you seems useless. If I was super skinny then maybe they could see. May cutting is just one way of saying hey I'm here I'm alive and I have the power.
My own mother can't love me, how can anyone else. especially another mother figure when all I want it "You look sad come here and I'll hug you"
Am I insane?
Am I asking too much?

I just want to be a strong woman. I'm so broken.

P.S - long night of homework ahead and my mother and father are fighting over the phone and I'm what their fighting about among other things then I get all the rath...

Monday, January 10, 2011

Monday Madness

I hate mondays to be honest.
I get up and go to school to struggle through my day terrified of the swarms of people and trying to learn what I can.
I went to my boyfriends today after school and made sure to stay out late enough for my mom to go to bed and now I'm tired but anything is better than my mother.
Me and my boyfriend went to the mall to wonder then went back to his place to watch TV and sit with his mom. I wish I had a mom like his growing up and even now, she is the most amazing person I have ever met.
My emotions are going nuts and I'm cutting alot more but not as much as I use to when I was 10-13. I want to scream out but I want to keep it to myself because I'm ashamed. But I need to do it. Fail.
However not eating is coming alot easier to me lately for no apparent reason of course depression might be helping.

Sunday, January 9, 2011


I spent my day watching eating disorder movies and documentaries. I like What's Eating You.
I'm feeling depressed again and am really fighting the urge to stay home from school.
I ate so much today, my dad took me to tim hortans and I have broccoli soup and a donut and hot chocolate, he ordered for me.
I had vegetarian chicken strips  and peas.
fail me.
Tomorrow is coffee. And avoiding massive amounts at food at my boyfriends.
Fighting the urge to cut is becoming harder and I bought arm warmers to cover my cuts.
I'm going job hunting tomorrow because me and my mom have 80 dollars till Thursday when she gets paid.
My insomnia is back so prepare for late night posts perhaps.
I've also been dreaming more when I do sleep.

In my dreams

Firstly, I handed in that report about my childhood, I wrote about daycare and that was it.
The comedy was hilarious and its nice to be able to go out and laugh, forget about all the shit and crap and just laugh so hard your face hurts.
Super super sad, my belly dancing classes where canceled!!! now I think I'm going to try and sign up for Ariel yoga, its like the circus people on those cloth ropes!! I really want to try it.
I spent alot of time last night trying to explain to my boyfriend why I cut, but obviously he can't understand and then he tried the if you do it I'll do it aproach I cried so hard trying to explain that it just doesn't work that way and finally got him to promise me not to do. I've been cutting for so long I've never truly learnt other ways to channel my emotions and it just feels so apart of me.
Coming to the main point of this blog now, dreams. I have so many dreams of someone coming to saving my from this home this life this disease its rediculis. Last night I dreamt someone who doesn't know of my cutting that I hold close to me saw them and wanted to help. I know its probably my body screaming out for help but I just can't do it. I think about getting better but I can't see who I would be after getting help. I've always been damaged.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Decapitated Walls.

Blah feelings of doubt and insecurity.
Today was a really bad day at school, considering I got minimal sleep from staying up late last night finishing my Hamlet 12 page report I was on hypersensitivity mode.
In sociology we are learning about child early years development, attachment and the effect on later life. We are to write a report about our childhood. Mine would look like this, my mom screwed me up beat me up and  hates me, now i'm fucked with an ed cutting and anxiety.. that is not an option. Staring at the blank paper wonder how to concoct a wonderful lie of a beautiful childhood in contrast to my own childhood gave me a panic attack.
I'll make up something or not hand it in at all.
When I think about how much my childhood has screwed me up I want to puke.
Tomorrow I'm going out with friends to a comedy show which i won tickets to. I booked the tickets so I can get them at the door tomorrow, I always get fears something is going to go wrong.
Saturday I start my first of three belly dancing classes in hopes of some confidence.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Anyone there?

I don't know if anyone reads my blog anymore but I'm hoping so!
the past few days of school have been really sad because we've lost a great student and the whole school is in mourning.
I'm starting a new fruits and veggie diet only!
I shall keep you posted on that
this month is crazy , exams and final tasks. dive in.

Does this rule me.
Take me.
Put my heart aside.
Shake me.
Lift me.
Hear me.
Help me.
I'm screaming through the white walls.
The white walls with ED slashed on it red paint.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

Welcome 2011

I haven't posted in a while because I've been going through somethings with my family..
I'm glad its a new year and for new years I did end up drinking quite a bit but didn't get very drunk oddly enough.
I neeeeed to lose this weight that I'm carrying on my hips and legs its reallly bad.
I was wondering if anyone knows of any sites that you can sell your poetry?
Today I'm going to my dad's house and hes taking me out to dinner (he is ok if I get salad!) speaking of parents yesterday my mom poked at my sides and was like you'll never be a model with these!! (love handles) I just about bawled.
I have about 8 hours of homework ahead of me because I go back to school tomorrow (bleck) 3 weeks till exams!! (gulp)
My boyfriend just went home and it feels so lonely without him because I love him so much and I've been trying to surround myself with people lately.
Ok well I shall update later :)
any topics people would like me to write about?
love you all.