Monday, February 28, 2011

Monday maddness

Mother: Your tired
Me: I'm not tired
Mother: I can tell
Me: no you can't
Mother: yes I can!
Mother: your scaring the cats, if your not tired then clean up...seriously lets go...clean
Me: I'm doing homework
Mother: Why your stupid anyway
Me: My grades would disagree with you
Mother: I can tell your tired, you better take your B6

ya a little play of my normal mother conversations. not even fights
today sucked but I looked remotely good for my grad pictures.
I ate - fuck. Why can't  I just stop, I've cut down and I'm still a fat ass. I just want to stop eating all together, I will ... coffee I want coffee and a smoke.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

fudge my life-

I think I passed my biology test thank goodness.
Was at my dads place all weekend so I couldn't blog - sorry.
My mom is still bitching and won't let my go on this school trip to Ottawa, shes bitching about everything and when I don't do something she is so mean about everything and then shes all "your tired" and I'm like no I'm tired. Shes like don't blame me if your pictures are awful. Shes so sure she knows everything about everything. Then she blows up in anger. - I'm not sure how much longer I can take it here. and she is your classic neat freak everything must be clean (which usually means empty and white).
I'm depressed and so fucking tired of being so fucking fat I need to make rules for  myself and get thin thin thin.
I hate myself and I'm no good to anyone.
Grad photos tomorrow and I'm sure to be ugly as usually and dress down day so I'm sure to look so fat in whatever I wear.

Thursday, February 24, 2011


I am so stressed out!
I have a biology test tomorrow and I am so not ready! I don't want to fail I want to do well so I'm studying my ass off! (haha I wish my real ass would go away). I have so much on my plate because its my last year in highschool.
I hate hate hate x1000 my ugly fat body so much it hurts. I don't want to consume anything! I have graduation photos on Monday! I need a hair cut and new make up and teeth whitening kit to try and mask my ugly fat face :(
I just want to crawl in a hole and pretend like I don't have to worry about my future.
If I was beautiful and skinny life would be easier.
Uggggggg, and there is a winter storm warning for my area but it never snows enough to close school when you need it to be closed!!!
I still haven't cut but at this point its soooo tempting. my mother is being a bitch like usually, yelling at me and blaming me for everything and ofcourse drinking her problems away and taking it out on me while I try and study.
boy oh boy....
maybe if I just stay concentrated (ha!) I won't have to eat.
hope everyone is better off than me! love you beautifuls. <3

Wednesday, February 23, 2011


I'm going prom dress shopping tomorrow!!! I can't wait even though I know I'll look fat in a lot of things.
I've just drank a 20cal energy drink to finish my homework X_x
I am going job hunting thursday.
I have even more crazy amounts of school work so gulp!
and you know what time it is here in Canada ... ROLLL UP THE RRRIM, now I've never one but I drink so much coffee (usually black) around this time of year :P
I'm wired in xD
Stay beautiful ladies and gents.
Still cut free! but feeling the urge again and stress and not knowing how to handle everything, I'll keep you posted.
Check out and comment my deviantART profile / pics

Sunday, February 20, 2011

my gosh!

I just realized I haven't posted in forever!!
I've been sick and busy - not a good combination
I have projects coming out my ass and I need a job soooo badly.
Today I went shopping and got some clothes (which I rarely do)
I went to a party last night and I never want to drink again, I was so drunk it wasn't funny. UGG
I don't have much else to say but lets see.
I am still cutting free!!
I weighed 123 this morning!
I am getting more into photography again~
I am exaughsted. good night!

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Tuesday 15. 2011 (real unique)

The peer tutoring trip today was fun except for the fact I had a major head ache all day. I got home and scanned some notes for a friend and then took a nap. My mother cooked me dinner; potatoes, burrioto and peas, all of it went into a plastic bag which I threw out. I feel like I'm not losing any weight and it sucks. Tomorrow I have my dance test for hip hop *gulp* and I need to catch up in all my classes because I've missed two days due to peer tutoring trips. I found my prom dress today and I love it. Its green :) I'll show you! Other than that I'm not really doing anything right now but tomorrow I need to get with my partner for my philosophy project and work on it! I still haven't thought of anything to do to re invent myself. thoughts? ...

Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentines Day

Today was Valentine's Day so I hope everyone has a good one or even just a good Monday.
I had a good V day and got a teddy bear :)
Tomorrow I have yet another peer tutoring field trip! This one is about conflict resolution and we don't have to wear our school uniform *gulp* that means I have to look decent and all I can think is how fat and ugly I look in everything!
I'm really sleepy now so I better get some sleep.
Good night beautifuls.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

the mirror reflects noone.

Do you ever see someone and think "I wish that was me" or how confident they are and you just doubt yourself?
I'm feeling the need to re invent myself. I need things that I can change. I'm getting back into photography and art so check out my deviant art account :
It seems like I'm bothered by someone who has decided to do the same things as me, I said I was going to start writing again, they decided the same things. maybe its just this circle of needing something all on my own.
So re invent myself I will
first goal : drop 20 pounds go from 124- 104.
I can work on other goals as they come along.
Becoming vegan is slowly coming into play now to as I've cut out half of my dairy.
For tonight I am going to watch the grammys :) (loving katy perry)
Tomorrow is Valentines day, even though my relationship has been rocky lately I'm cooking a romantic dinner tomorrow. 

Friday, February 11, 2011

*happy dance*

Despite having an awful fight with my mother last night today has been great.
I woke up this morning to discover that I got accepted to university!
Egypt is on the road to democarcy
My peer tutoring field trip was fun
I didn't do awful on my report card
I'm making steps to become vegan for a while!

now I'm going to take a nap
(hunger headache)

Days cutting free: 4

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

living, breathing, existing

Today was tiresom just school school school.
My classes are fun but I constantly get feeling for not being good enough or smart enough.
It really bothers me that some people can get great marks and not do anything and not study while others have to work their asses off (me).
For tonight I am going to nap, practice a hip hop dance I'm being tested on and do philosophy and bio homework and work on my online course.
Not cutting has been going good for the last two days but its only been two days. Its been bothersome having cuts on my arms (from the last time I cut) and trying to hide them in dance class.
nothing really else to say.

Cutting Free: Two Days

Monday, February 7, 2011

Break Free from razor!

So I have decided to stop cutting. I'm not saying I'm quitting cold turkey but I'm going to see if I can do it for two weeks and if I can another two weeks and so on! I'm so scared because I have been cutting since grade 5. I hope along my journey all of you will be with me <3 I will try and use other outlets for my stress but this may back fire considering I may put more attention on not eating and exersizing. I'll be updating you and will have my days free cutting tally. If I stay cut free for two weeks I'm going to buy myself something cheap for a month I'll get something better. One thing I am worried about is losing control, I'm going to do some research on how I can handle this and maybe talk to someone. Maybe the school nurse, I'll have to check to make sure she can't tell my parents.
Stay strong beauties. I never thought the day would come where I could ever see considering to quit cutting.

On another note, dance class today was super tiring and lots of work and no one talks to me, I'm so invisible but whatever.
I don't eat lunch or try to pack something healthy and low cal because I don't want to faint after dance!

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Oh the virtual classroom

I have discovered I do not have much liking for online classes. I am taking an online class and I am un believably lost :P
I am feeling much better health wise though!! YAY.
Back to school tomorrow blah.
everyone have a good sunday ok :)

Friday, February 4, 2011

Yay Friday?

It's Friday night and I am home alone and really quite sick. Coughing, sore throat, stuffy nose and head ache. So basically I'm eating (more like drinking) low cal soup and tea for my throat and spending lost of time on the computer listening to music, playing neopets and surfing facebook and pretty thin. I even have an online course I could be doing -.-'
School is actually going pretty well, I'm enjoying my new semester. Dance is the best and man am I getting a work out! We are learning a hip hop dance right now to bep boop by the black eye peas :) I love it.
Still no acceptances from university and I'm starting to get anxious.
For tomorrow? Sleep and maybe see the boyfriend ( he did such a good job at taking care of me today)
I  want to sink in to the floor
Never to appear once more
Fade so thin
To places I've never been
Make my wishes come true
Let me tell the stories about how I once flew.
I do quite like writing :)

Wednesday, February 2, 2011


ya I'm sick. I've worn myself thin and caught a cold that feels like so much worse because my body can't take it.
My mother is being unbelievable lately, insulting me and putting me down I'm like wow if you hate me so much then why did you keep me.
I start a new semester at school tomorrow and I am soooo not ready.
I have Peer Toutoring, Philosophy, Dance and Biology.
I don't really have much to say because I've been sick and avoiding home (I should start bringing my laptop with me).
Tomorrow I'm going to my dads after school.
Now I'm going to track down some binders and paper and dance clothes.
Good night