Saturday, December 25, 2010

December 25 2010

More Happy Christmas' everyone!
I hope everyone got what they wanted
I spent the day with my sister and her boyfriend and my dad taking funny pics then went back to my moms for dinner that I barley ate.
Last night wasn't so great and my phone broke :(
I got the Kat Von D Adora Case and Purfume! some money gift cards, earings and clothes.
For the next few day I'm going to my boyfriends house to have family Christmas stuff :) I love belonging with them.
Now for the real fun, new years needless to say there is a good chance of getting drunk :)

Friday, December 24, 2010

Happy Christmas Eve :)

Happy Christmas Eve everyone and I hope it really is happy!
My mom doesn't do much for christmas but that doesn't stop me from having my own little Christmas :)
I will cuddle up with coco and Christmas movies!
Tomorrow I get to soo my sister and I can't wait!!

Have amazing nights and Christmas Days or just a good day if you don't celebrate.

Monday, December 20, 2010


my parents shouldn't be called parents.
when I was small I was afraid to tell people what mother did to me because 1. I was just afraid she'd hurt me more and 2. I new they'd place me with my father and that scared me more for some reason that would be so hard to explain.
I grew up afraid and I still am afraid of what they can do to me.
I reach out to few maternal figures but I'm so afraid that if I connect with any they'll leave you know?
My parents hate each other and fight over everything  "usually me".
Tonight for example I was out of the house , the way I like it and when I got home my mother informs me my Dad had been calling threatning me for not calling him as usual and not being around and not being inside when he knew I was going to a friends, he was pissed, he was like fuck you merry christmas yadayada and then asks my mom for money which sets her on her anger towards him which turns to taking it out on me.
I hate being home...
How can I love me if my parents never did.

Sunday, December 19, 2010

weekend over

I haven't posted pretty much because I've had strep throat and couldn't stay awake long enough to make a post!
Now I am feeling much better and only have some what of a cold-ish thing I shall post :)
I am ALMOST done Christmas shopping and I love love love wrapping presents so I'm having fun :) What shall Christmas have in store, well I get to see my sister who I never get to see so YAY and then I get to be with my mother -.-'.
Tomorrow I am finishing up my Christmas shopping with my boyfriend whom I'm going to have to shoo away at some point to get his gift!
I'm so glad its holidays but I still have holiday school work-ew but I won't think about that right now.
So I'm hovering at 119 right now since I have ended my fast and my liquid only diet due to strep throat :P
I want to lose more more more by Christmas and New Years.
I actually need to get in some better exersise though, winter is such a drag for out door running/ jogging.
Two pictures today! One is of a gift I wrapped and one if of a lovely picture i just like :)

Thursday, December 16, 2010


since my strep throat is keeping me awake i decided to take pics of me 3 days into my liquid fast. My stomach is discusting but its getting smaller..maybe.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

I have strep throat D=

I went to the doctor today because my throat finally got so sore I just wanted to cry and couldn't even swallow my own spit! Turns out I have sever strep throat! Fail for me because I HATE having a sore throat. Plus side is I can't eat any food. But I am living off of soup and low cal hot chocolate :P I've now gotten to 119!! I can't believe I'm back into the teens but the sickness suuckkkss.
Down side is that I'm too sick to travel to see my brother so our plans got post-poned.
Stay strong beauties and pray for me to get better.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Day one of fast completed!

I made it through day one of my fast (with gum) !  I feel great!
Today  I woke up with a pain in my foot so bad I couldn't walk so I stayed home from school and slept!
I need to catch up on my homework but it'll be fine I hope.
It's only 8:40 but I think I will go to bed.
Here's hoping day two will be just as successful!!
I weighed in at 120 today!!! I can't believe I haven't seen that in a while but seriously I was 123 yesterday did 3 pounds just disapear? YAY
Love you beauties! <3
Pic: Kat Von D is seriously my idol shes a powerful women and a strong one! Her body is amazing and every tattoo is a part of her, I want one day to get tattooed by her! and I'm getting her tattoo chronicles for Christmas :)

Sunday, December 12, 2010

here we go!

At the end of the day I weighed in at 123 and tomorrow I start my fast of only gum and diet coke and water. For the next four days I'll take pics and update my blog about my progress. Will we see a difference? I have no clue.
My day today was ok nothing special, babysat last night, I love babysitting.
hoping for a snowday tomorrow but it doesn't look like its going to happen. I guess its going to be a late night of homework I should have started.
Yes todays pic is of me at 123. What do you think? I know im fat.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

122 moving on down

I weighed in this morning at 122lbs~ I'm moving on down. 7pounds to my first goal weight. I want to look thinner for when  I see my brother on friday! So my goal is to just not eat! Gum excluded. I've stalked up on diet coke and gum.
Today I babysat, I love babysitting!
I looked after my sick boyfriend.
Now I'm in bed trying to get some sleep.
My picture today, because I have red hair but not that long, its my thinspration.
Does any one know how to make my hair grow faster?
how is everyone?

Friday, December 10, 2010

see me

I'm now spending my night taking care of my boyfriend who never gets sick but it down with a cold. I want to make him all better. Its a good distraction, I've had soup for dinner and I'm having smart pop popcorn. I was thinking about how I want people to look at me when I'm tiny I want them to be like "what makes her so upset she looks like that." I want people to care about me, but I also know that I'll try to hide my weight lose.
back and forth, back and forth.
I want to looked after and cared for because I never was.
I want to be independent because I've always been owned.
Double post today~ I just generally feel like writing!
Whats everyone doing?
Any topic you want me to write about??


I don't want to hate myself
I don't want to make myself not eat
I don't want to control everything
But I'm a disgusting  person
I want to be thin
I neeeed control
I am a boat of lard and getting, there has to be some way to stop
I want this disease and I don't
It kills me and sometimes its the only thing I live for.
I wish I could love myself but how could I.
Thats how I feel about anorexia today because I went out for lunch with my boyfriend and ate I actually ordered something that looked good, I haven't eaten since the last slice of pizza before my post yesterday, I ate and felt like shit with guilt and discust. Then my body involintarily threw it up on to the snow. FAIL
I'm ment for this disease and I hate sometimes
Anorexia is a monster but I feel like one.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

my weight on repeat

back up to 126 but seriously i weighed with my clothes on. I've even 3 pieces of pizza today - gross. Tomorrow nothing but I am going out with my boyfriend who is always on me about eating. I am teaching him how to ice skate because I think ice skating in the park with all the trees lit up will be terribly romantic! Today I actually made a dent in my Christmas shopping! Still need to get my dad his slap chop, my mom whatever. My boyfriend jeeeze he is HARD to shop for X_x. Any way I think I got a good work out at the mall and treated my self to a new top extra flowy to hide my fat. And some new mittens because it is getting cold. School is back on because our town can operate again so all the teachers are freaking out about missing three days of school so they seem to have given it in homework. Now I must go try and make a dent in it!
I really want to drop ten pounds so i can get my tattoo!!
Night beautifuls!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

snow day three -fail-

The sun is shinning but there is still snow everywhere and so no school. Everyone is doing something with someone. The buses however are not running so unless you drive you can't get anywhere further than a walking distance.
I got blown off last night and didn't get a girls night- whatever
I was suppose to hang out with people today and guess what I got blown off too -ouch
I'm telling my boyfriend this -who is going to hand out with some guy friends and hes like oh well that sucks, I'm like HELLLO BE A BOYFRIEND
I think no one wants to hang out with me because I'm just too ugly and fat and my friends are gorgeous and thin so they don't want me around embarrasing them.
I haven't eaten anything all day but its only two and I did have low cal hot chocolate.
I don't know what I'm going to do for the rest of the day except be depressed because my laptop is still in the shop and this computer is fusterating. I'm fed up and if people don't want me fine. Why would anyone like me anyway - I hate myself to.
Fail to snow day number three
back to school tomorrow.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Snow Day number two!

Today was snow day number two!
we have over 100cm of snow that has falling, nothing is running barley anything is open, malls are closed and buses stopped running!
The city almost went into a state of emergency where the military would have had to come in!
Tomorrow has already been declared another snow day. No school no nothing.
It was quite boring today as I stayed inside playing on the computer and reading. I love reading.
Now im listening to two new songs that are amazingly dance-y to me and stuck in my head. Starstruck by Lady Gaga ft. Space Cowboy and Flo-Rider and My Egyptian Lover by Space Cowboys and Nadia-Oh
Later tonight even though its already 8:50pm I'm going over to my friends (right across the street) to have a girls night with another friend to. We are drinking and hanging out. So needless to say I may be hung over tomorrow but hey its not like I have anywhere to be :P
I woke up at 121 this morning, I guess my body truly didn't need the extra 5 pounds it was at on Sunday lets hope it doesn't need 6 more pounds :)
Post tomorrow
love you beauties!

Monday, December 6, 2010

snow day!

Today I woke up and started getting ready till I looked out the widow SNOW and alot of it :)
snow days are the best but the city is basically on shut down :P
I spent the day with my boyfriend - need to say that he lives across the city and took me 1-2hrs to get there :P
there is already 30cms on the ground with 15-30 more to come.
needless to say there will probably be another snow day tomorrow which I will spend at home playing guitar hero and on the computer
I walked through the snow for so long I've burned so many calories today!
Weighed myself at 123 today ! its an improvement
I'm moving on down
I'm going to make low fat hot coco
welcome to the great white north :)

Sunday, December 5, 2010


126 126 126 126 126 126 126 126 126 126 126 126 126 !!!!!!
I think to myself I want to be 115 again and then I remember I hated 115 to because I was "too fat" so now I don't even know how I can live with 126 pounds it makes me SICK. I'm huge and discusting I don't know how anyone can even look at me.
Today I ate fucking oatmeal 157 cals ! DISCUSTING
I was going to eat this tv dinner pasta thing and was like omg what are you doing and threw it out my window into the snow.
I don't ever want to eat again.
It better be a snowday tomorrow but obviously it won't because why would it be...
angry face..
I want to  cut the fat off my body
its making me so upset I was even being mean to my boyfriend who is so fusterated with me because I can't give him a straight answer to "whats wrong"
me + me = I want to die
I was thinking about diet pills I could buy off the shelf..thoughts?

Friday, December 3, 2010

Weekend blues.

I just weighed myself and the least I can say is it has ruined my weekend. I am at 125 and feel nasty. I was to drop 10 pounds my december the 19th or by christmas now how am I going to do that, I'll need to think.
My weekend is going to consist of me doing homework and studying.
I'm going to my dad's for the weekend so I won't be able to post but I'll see if anyone commented because I can check my e-mail
Hopefully I'll have my laptop back soon!
I'm gonig to see the new movie Black Swan this Sunday! can't wait I love any movies that have to do with dance plus it has Knesia Solo in it and shes my fav actress.
So yes must loose ten pounds!
Love you all. Perhaps I can report a weight loss by Sunday? keep you posted!
from my picture - I want a tattoo when I'm thin enough for one :-]

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Hello end of the week :) hello snow!

Finally tommorw is friday!
It's SNOWING the winter is sooooo pretty, I was going for my evening walk and christmas lights just make it so much better!
Today I went to school..ta da!
Seriously though we are doing Hamel in English and I love it, is he pretending to be mad or is he really mad!
Sociology we started abuse in families and tomorrow we are watching movies on it, the teacher told us "if anyone is uncomfortable please come to me" I'm really..I am going to go to you and be like um ya hi..I was abused .. oh wait...I still am...REALLY :P
I have right now a non diet pop and gummy bears (gelitine free!) and you know what I'm eating them, I feel guilty as fudge but I am.
I'm joining GoodLife Fitness so I can take arobics and yoga =D EXCITEMENT
nothing else to interesting going on just crazy school work.
I'm spending the weekend at my dad's so I won't be able to post but I promise I'll post tomorrow :)
I know the picture is completly un related but I like it :)
Love you beauties
Stay strong <3