Sunday, October 31, 2010

Happy Halloween?

Happy Halloween
I handed out candy.
I got informed my mom can afford printer ink but she can afford alchohol and smokes and what she wants but i can't get things i need for school. She would be having problems at work if she layed off the drink. I'm trying to find a job buts its hard.
I can't stand things any longer. I want to be out of this place.
University is starting to scare me because I don't know if I'm good enough!
God I hate life.
I'm not going to school tomorrow, I have projects and things to study for that I need to do.
By the way I lost 4 pounds and obviously I'm still a fat worthless person.
Dear life I hate you
Dear mother stop drinking and beating
Dear everyone I'm sorry I cause so much problems.

Thursday, October 28, 2010


I gained weight, I'm at the highest I've ever been 123.5 lbs (im 5'7'') I feel discusting. I need to get in shape, I need to lose. I hate myself, I will keep hurting myself till I get the message, I want to die, everything feels like its falling apart. I just annoy everyone around me. I'm not good for anyone.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010


I skipped my last two classes at school today. I fell asleep till 7pm today. I have to read a 300 page book, write two essays, a dramatic monolouge, science notes and homework, plus projects for sociology. I feel so hazy and I know its going to be a late night working. I need to get a job as well so at least I'm a night hawk.
On a higher note, I got my PT unity braclette in the mail today! Every time i see it on my wrist I'll be reminded of my goal.
I stayed under 800 cals today..

Tuesday, October 26, 2010


I feel awful. I hate myself. I eat ... I had freaking pizza and popers and oatmeal today and coke! I've GAINED weight I'm not 223.5lbs and I don't know if it has anything to do with my period. My first goal is to just lose 10 pounds. God just with the stress of school and my family life still sucking majorly like always I'm just exaughsted and I need to get on track, control SOMETHING. I started writing my weight on my hand so if I pick up food I see it and get a reminder that I'm a heavyy discusting person. Aslo I went to a university presentation ...jezze.
Life is just blah. At least I have my boyfriend, but he makes me eat, I love him with all my heart but can't he see that I need to stop eating like the fat fuck I am?
I really don't want to self injure again, I've worked so hard to decrease that habbit but I can just feel it coming on.
I'm considering an other piercing but I don't know what, I have 6 ear piercings my belly button and my tounge.
FML today was an FML.
We had this presentation at school were this band came and talked to us about life and not hiding our talents and reaching out and so on. They were great and they did some preforming. They talked about troubled kids and problems and I'm like great I'm one of those kids, felt like crying the whole way through, but I don't show people my pain, I can't
I want her legs....

Sunday, October 24, 2010


I have a goal this week, look ok in my halloween costume. This mean me fasting as many days as I can and staying under 200 cals days I don't. Wish me luck and I'll update :)
My new found obsession is the British drama Skins, I love it and I'm watching it from season 1.
Thats all really.
Stay beautiful.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Hello colder weather

Fail of a post today I supose.
I haven't eaten much, YAY
It was a PD day today so I spent it with my boyfriend and then came home because I was supose to spend the weeknd at my dad's who calls and says I'll pick you up tomorrow morning.
I have major amounts of homework but I'm going to do them tomorrow.
I will spend the rest of my day on the computer and bumming around.
I'm going to see if I can find anything I can sell on kijiji.
Love everyone who reads this <3 Stay strong
I miss summer, its gettng really cold here and the cold really gets to me.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

home again

So I came home from school after at lunch today, its like I can't handle it anymore but I HAVE to make myself go. I need at least an 85% average to get into the University program I want. So ya today, fail just in general. But my new distraction is neopets, not even kidding. Tomorrow I go to visit my dad for the night meaning he will make me eat after that I go back to my plan. I just don't have anything to talk I suck. I need to read my english novel of 400 pages in seven days.... GO. Picture = thinspo for the day


I caved to two slices of pizza some candy and pop. Tomorrow i will be better.
My presentation went well and I make another presentation tomorrow.
I selpt as soon as I got home today because I did not sleep at all last night. I watched a good documentary last night though on youtube about this girl viki would has anorexia.
Nothing else much to say. I going to bed now. My mom is quite pissed at me for sleeping this afternoon after school but thats like her, always hating on me. More about that later.
This picture totally represents how I felt this morning after no sleep.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Pumping out projects

I am currently working on my science presentaion and my english presentation, its going to be an all nighter I supose. This weekend was fun. I am all good with my boyfriend, I love him sooo much <3. I really need to start losing this DISGUSTING weight. tomorrow im going to have under 200cals. Thats all I have to post about tonight since I'm working my butt off. Any questions for me? I think this photo is BEAUTIFUL, it really speaks to me, kinda like there can be beauty under all the muck, smog. Being surrounded my pain and this ED doesn't mean I can't become beautiful.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Its me isn't it?

So I decided to stay at my boyfriends house another night but I can use the computer :)
I'm upset, we were trying to find out how to open the battery compartment on his pocket watch that has a pocket knife at the end of it (not very sharp) I try opening the back of the watch with that then just start playing with it, looking at the design on it and he starts freaking out telling me not to play with it and I'm like why not? and he was "you know why" so I asked him to say why and he's like it looks like you can cut yourself or want to so this hurt me, he know I have a history of cutting but to automatically asume I'm going to cut and to freak out like that when I haven't cut in a while really pulled my heart. Does he think I'm just so broken? I feel he always going to think I'm like this....god I hate it and I hate me..I'm to blame. I cant add a photo tonight.

Friday, October 15, 2010


I got my term one progress reports today at school. Im doing very good the only things any of my teachers had to say was my absences. Were there is progress in one area there is failure in an other, I ate lunch today because I felt as if I was going to pass out cold. I'm so tired right now but I have to get ready to get the bus to my boyfriends house, I'm spending the night and day tomorrow so I'll update my blog tomorrow night on all that happens. I need to grab my bathing suit for the hot tub. I did however get in 30mins of jogging today!!!! I have alot of homework this I need something to make me happy and I'm thinking a weekend away from home may help. And maybe by the time I get to my boyfriend's place I can convince him I already ate dinner, I hate lying to him so much though. This picture sums up how I feel so many times.
Have a great weekend beautifuls <3 Stay strong.

This cycle has to stop

I can't sleep. my fault for sleeping today instead of being at school. Tomorrow I have to go. This weekend I am spending it at my boyfriend house. I have to eat there but I'll keep it to a minimum. Now I have to see if I'm going to go to sleep or push though until after school tomorrow and nap at my boyfriend. Also I get my progress report tomorrow, gulp.
I just love this picture I want this so bad.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

No school..again

I am staying home from school today again. We are not doing anything in any of my classes today and I pulled a muscle in my back from work which I WILL NOT be returning to. I am not a quitter but I know my limits and this is one of them, I could see myself really injuring myself so I'm going to get a new job. I am going to go back to sleep now and probably post through out the day about lazing around the house :P
This picture is my warrior, being a warrior, getting what you want can be applyed to so many aspects in your life.

Work mind body and soul

Today I had my first day at work at a factory and I hated it. I have bruises on the inside of my arms from lifting boxes and cuts on my fingers from breaking up cardboard boxes and making christmas displays for items for walmart. You have to make so many in a certain amount of time, I was slow and so I did not get my break. I hurt so much and I work again tomorrow 4pm-11pm and possibly Friday.
To make it even worse it was pouring on my way home. I'm so tired and so ready to go to bed. I ate 200 cals today!
I do not want to attemd school tomorrow I'm not even doing anything in my classes tomorrow.
Ugg. Goodnight. The picture represents how whiped out I am and I don't think my body can handle the strain of the job.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

My knight in shinning armour

At about 2:30pm my boyfriend came over to drag me out of bed, the one I had been curled up in all day not wanting to get out of. He took me to the mall, I do love clothing but I don't look good in it. I got a new winter jacket and some things with cameos on them (my secret love). He also took me to see the movie Easy A, I really liked it. He got me pizza, chocolate and popcorn, I stayed under 550 cals tho so tomorrow my limit is 450 because I over ate 50cals. I love him with all my heart with out him I'd never get out of bed. I started reading the Kite Runner for english and its not that bad. I have to do my earth science homework and sociology homework. I'll be up for a while but I'm a night hawk anyway :). Tomorrow I also start my first day of work, I will be working for a packing company working from 4pm till 11pm. Wish me luck! I need to save up for university in the fall! The picture represents someone who can get you to go outside, now only if I could go out looklike the girl in the picture.

Staying home

I woke up at 6am today having to get up for school. I automatically felt like staying in bed the whole day. It is like a dark feeling covers you and smuthers you. I still have yet to get out of bed. Depression sucks. My boyfriend called me on his lunch but he just doesn't get it. He thinks there has to be something making you sad and it has to be one thing. I didn't bother him too much about it because he was out to eat with his friends, he never takes me along. I just feel so down and I can't pick myself back up. I don't even know how to explain it.
I haven't eaten anything today and im on day one of the ABC diet so I have a 500 cals limit. Im going to eat less than that today. My picture today represents how I want to crawl out of my skin and feel the sun and like it. I think the white in this photo is very lovely.

Monday, October 11, 2010

Hello Blog.

Hello blog, you are going to mean so much to me now.
Today was Thanksgiving Monday here in Canada. I staired at my plate for an hour at the coffee table alone.
I am a vegitarian but I hate eating.
I hate eating with all that I have. I'm starting the ABC diet tomorrow, I'll let everyone know how it is going each day. For those who don't know the ABC diet is 50 days of restricted calorie intake.  The photo below is my photo to keep me going for now, I want so bad to have my clothes hang off of me.
To inform people, I have had an eating disorder since I was 10 and I started cutting when I was 11 and stopped just a few months ago and its so hard not to pick that razor up again. Comment anything, I can answer any questions you have about me.