Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Dance audition tomorrow

Tomorrow I'm auditioning my lyrical dance to Sarah Mclachlan's Song for a Winter's Night and you know what I FIT INTO MY COSTUME DRESS =D
I realize I haven't posted in forever and it isn't until now that I got my old clunker computer working because my laptop bit the dust.
I can finally start posting again even though this computer sucks.
I'm working super hard in school now EW.
Any topics you want me to talk about just leave a comment.
love you beauties.

Monday, November 22, 2010

too fat for food

Today was a really slow day, I went to school and gave my monologue presentation, it went ok. Science is my favorite class and today we watched volcano presentations, I give mine tomorrow.
I didn't eat anything till lunch then I had mexi fries (no meat) not good but I ate them, then I went to have KD for dinner and I couldn't two bites and I felt sick to my stomach and I ran upstairs with the bowl of KD and dumped it out my window, I tried and I couldn't eat it. I'm to fat for food anyway. Another thing I broke down and wrote all the things I hate about myself all over my wall, my mom saw it and she was like well its not like your ever going to paint over this I can't believe you ruined the walls.. I'm like IM SCREAMING IN PAIN AND YOU CARE ABOUT THE WALLS!!! and then she said "I don't really want you here this weekend..."
I need to pick a song to dance to for a christmas assembly, ideas??

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Harry Potter

need I say more?
release yourself in a magical world where you life doesn't matter
I love movies and I love books :D
Harry Potter has gotten me through so much
I'm off to see the new movie !!!!

Saturday, November 20, 2010

I'm already dead inside

As a child I was beat hard, emotionally abused and lived with my drunken mother while my over protective crazed father tried to brain-wash me.
I suffer from self injury, anorexia and depression since the age of 10 and even before
I'm nictorious for fucking everything up when I let people in
I hate myself so much it usually just drives everyone away
I'm done I don't see the point in living if there is nothing to live for, I've tried screaming out for help I've searched for people to care and there aren't any.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

family disfunctional

So my dad is freaking out that my brother and sister are alienating thing. I'm getting the rath because I'm being used as the messanger. I am the only link between them. and this doesn't even have anything to do with my alchy mom. So basically my brother ditched the family my sister moved away and we are far apart in age and I'm left. My Dad is like "oh you don't know what its like to be left alone" well I do, I didn't hear from my brother in years after he left, nothing and I only got to see my sister at christmas until she started adventuring and then I only got to see her when she had "time."
I just don't what to do.
I'm eating like a fucking cow
I'm cutting more
and I'm fiding more and more proof that im invisable to everyone
Distracted people never notice the invisible ones.
I could just walk straight off this earth....

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

home no so sweet home

I'm writing early today on my blog because I have to go to my fathers house at 3:30pm its his night with me, I don't like going but at this moment it'll be great to get away from my mom.
I've been in bed all day again and I'm on my laptop in bed typing this too you. I'm going to wash my face and brush my hair to wake myself up.  Its back to school for me tomorrow.
I have not eaten anything yet and do not feel hungry YAY!
I don't have much to say so I'm going to get my bum out of bed :)
Any questiions from anyone about anything I'd be happy to answer :)

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

fast fail, emotional shut down

I cut and I cut deep, I'm ok but not emotionally, I've taken today and tomorrow off of school. I broke my fast with something small, soup with some noodles. I can't really eat anything. I went from my newly gained 125 to 122. I feel so fat and discusting I just hate myself so much and I'm so depressed. I didn't get out of bed today until 5pm.
Depression won't let me move
it wont let me live
it makes me sleep or keeps me away
it makes everyone hate me and me hated everyone
it wont let me win

My mother today was like "your so stupid and nasty I can't believe I kept you, you can't do anything properly and then asked are you being bullied and I'm like no!! and I'm not.
She made me so angry.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

new week tomorrow FAST

Tomorrow is a new week
My goal for this week, not eat until friday, thats right I'm going to fast till friday.
I have a date with my boyfriend friday  and i want to be lovely :) hes taking me out to the movies and then to pizza so maybe i can have a little :)
I will make it I will get down to my first goal weight.
Goal weight # one reward, new jeans.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Song picked! weight blahhh

So I'm at 119 lbs. 4 pounds to my "normal" 115 and 9 pounds to my goal weight.
I picked a song to do my audition to and I'm going to post a link below of the song and the type of dance i'm going to do
I don't know if anyone recognizes the song but it was in an eating disorder clinic documetary that I love.
I hope it goes well. I want to be as thin as the girl thats dancing to this song X_x
I'm so afraid that all anyone watching me audition is going to be thinking "God shes so fat"

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Dance dance dance

My school is doing a dance showcase and I actually want to audition but I don't know what to audition yet. What would you like to see someone dance??? Help :)
Other than that today was bleky, my boyfriend got his mid term and it was not good he has to get it pulled up so we can go to the same universities!!
I did good on my mid term.
I'm sooooo exaughsted.
I neeeeed to loooosssee this weight -.-

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Technologically handicaped/ poem

I just spent the last two hours figuring out for to convert files to make sure my project will open up at the school X_x
I've gained weight and I'm so mad at myself.
I don't really have much to say because I'm reallly exaughsted so I wrote something instead :)

I’m called wise for remembering the tricks simple humans teach me
I’m called strong for the lifting I do to survive
I’m thick skinned and nothing can hurt me
Accept the keepers of me
A gun, a spear, a knife
Will pentatrate my skin
I can care for myself
But you humans seem to rely on me
For white, wonderful, ivory
You care not for my life, nor my intelligence
Truthfully I am shy and strong
But you hurt me
Protect me.

Elephants are my favorite animal there so strong and wise but they can be over come by so much and humans treat them wrongly, I'm going to get a tattoo of an elephant with the words wise strong scared under neith as a representaion of what anorexia and cutting and mental health has done to me. 

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

school day.

I'm going to school ahahaha.
Seriously though its intense, I'm writing an essay I have no idea what to write for it.
I have a seven to ten page research lit paper omfg and I have to find my science text book because I lost it X_x
So today is a minimum food day, I had no breakfast and won't even be tempted by lunch because I'll be working in a classroom and then I'll sleep through dinner!
Yesterday I broke down to my boyfriend about most of everything and feeling like all the mental issues I have are taking a strain so on so forth.
Stay strong beauties!

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Weekend, over

It's Sunday, the day to think "oh yay I've got the rest of the week stairing me in the face"
Whats in store for this week? boyfriends, essays, uni applications. working on an audition dance for a dance show no idea what song to use so if anyone has any ideas let me know :)
Just binged and it was nasty but ive done 800 sit ups as punishment
my goal this week is to lose 5 pounds this one week! I don't know if its possible but I'm going to try. I've learnt to avoid lunch with out suspision and have become great at "eating dinner" I sit at the coffee table alone to eat and I throw its all into a plastic bag and when my mom isn't looking or is in the shower I empty the plastic bag out in the wooded area behind my house TADA gone.
Stay strong everyone.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Screaming while invisible

Today I was forgotten. My English and Science teacher didn't even realize I was in class.
Another note, my cutting, I've been doing it so long and before that hurting myself in other ways its the only ways I grew up knowing how to manage my emotions. I have the worst self esteem but sometimes I wish there was another way for me to manage my emotions instead of feeling so out of control all the time and then cutting. My boyfriend knows I cut and he doesn't like that I do it but he doesn't seem to get that I'm screaming at the top of my lungs for help, sometimes I wish he would tell someone like his mom, sometimes I walk down the halls at school wishing someone would notice and care even though I cover them up. Sometimes I just want it to be all over but then I think its been going on for so long why bother won't I feel weird if I ever stop. The same thing goes for my eating disorder but thats more of a battle but sometimes I hold cutting alot closer, its who I am and what I was raised on.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Tired, but small proudness.

I pulled off the test better than I thought!
I will pull together my learning portfolio tonight.
I got english done. and one science lab done.
And you know what I haven't eaten in 42 hours =D
I hope I'm losing in fact...*running to scale*....118.5! small improvement but definatly better than the 123.5lbs I saw early this week!
Besides the fact I've got the shakes and a bit of neausea I feel great!
I'm going to go to my dad's and nap then get up and go out for dinner (salade no dressing!)
I'm feeling motivated.
Lets drop this weight.
Goal weight one: 115
Goal weight two: 110
Goal weight: 100

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

All nighter

I didn't go to school again today. I have a shit load of homework, most importantly my review for my sociology test tomorrow and I basically have no idea what I'm doing. I'm going to be up all night doing it. Then tomorrow I have to work on this HUGE project for sociology again all nighter. Plus i have english questions, read the Road figure out what the hell im going to write for my essay on the Road which i write on the 9th. PLUS I have science to catch up on with readings and questions and lab reports. HOLY EFFIN JEEEPERSS.
Plus side, it doesn't give me a whole lot of time to eat. I haven't eaten anything today and I have a 100 cal energy drink to get me through the night. YAY.
The depression is still there and its eating me alive its almost impossible to get out of bed. I broke down at the bus stop tonight begging my boyfriend not to go home and stay with me becuase im scared to be alone, he had to go home though. 

Monday, November 1, 2010


I didn't get out of bed until 2pm today. I didn't go to school. I have homework to do, which I'm doing now and its so stupid. I don't think I'm going to get into my university program.
I cut myself last night after the night I had, I can't get happy and im spiralling out of control. I want so much to reach out but there seems to be no one there that can help, I don't know if I even what to let go of my habits. Its who I am its who I've always been.
Tomorrow I will go to school, I must, besides I've been cutting since I was 11 and no ones ever noticed, I have mad hiding skills.