Tuesday, September 6, 2011

goodbye summer

passing out in mac donalds was an ironic situation. I went with my friends (I only ever get drinks at mac donalds) and I was standing in line with them when the room kinda got blurry then well I woke up -.-'
Ofcourse in my 120 pound body (yes i've lost 4 pounds) no one would suspect me of not eating so I "was coming down with something" - thus I got free juice.
I don't recommend running and not eating since lunch the previous day -.-'

School starts in exactly 5 hours and I've decided to make the best out of my victory lap.

I went job hunting today so hopefully I get a call!

Also - starving is addictive - cutting is addictive and both my parents struggle with alchoholism so I have a very addictive personalitly - my new thing is scratch cards - all though I've only spent 8dollars on two of them and am just playing off of my winnings I can feel that "rush" and am watching myself carefully.

I have also successfully located a long sleeve knit sweater uniform piece for school - not too hot to wear this time of year so no one will question why I am wearing it (yes I am hiding cuts).
and for some reason I think it will be fun to post a picture of me in my uniform tomorrow - weird me.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

its been since april since I've posted
reasons being
-someone I knew found this blog
-my exboyfriend of 2andahalf years broke up with me
-i started a new blog
- if you want to follow my new blog please message me :) and i'll send you the link (or just comment on your blog with the link) ;)

Sunday, April 3, 2011

for now

For now I am denying myself my blog. Blogging is really important to me and I just feel so discusting and fat and like I can't stop eating so this is my punishment. I'll come back to you all when I'm in a space I am comfortable. Perhaps 120 okay?
I'll still be reading your blogs :)
you can contact me or just post and I'll respond.

I'm officially off the rails <3
[yeah i love effy]

Friday, March 25, 2011

Click Clack

I started my first day of tap today and absolutely loved it. It was so much fun to learn something I've never done before. It was also dress down day today = I feel so ugly in everything I wear.
I'm screaming out for someone without making a sound
I've been having a rough time lately (as I'm sure you can tell) - my self esteem is in the pits and I'm fatter than I have been in a looonnng time. Tomorrow I'm going on the elliptical for 2 hours.
I need to organize myself a meal plan - 
I'm so depressed and I need a way out
This weekend is going to suck I'm stuck at my dads house.
I need some sleep - gotta get up in the morning.
Sometimes in dance I feel invisible and inferior but mostly that's just life - it bugs me more in dance- possibly because I want to be the beautiful thin dancer....
Have a good day tomorrow everyone - I love you all <3

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Way over weight Wednesday

I can't bare to look at myself in the mirror any more, I'm huge. at 129 pounds I'm a fucking whale to myself.
I got an elliptical today so I'm deffinatly going to be on that ALOT.
I joined tap club at school - just watch my thighs jiggle alot..
I'm so ticked at myself for eating so much- my solution - get busy. Not bringing money or bank card to school and working out after school or sleeping.
I need to lost alot of weight. Maybe by semi formal? April something or other.
If I don't soon I don't know what I'll do.
Regardless of my pure self hatred I did have a good time with my friends tonight watching America's Next Top Model.
Tomorrow is dress down day - I have no idea what I am going to wear - I'm fat in everything so whats the point in trying.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

life is so blank right now
nothing is going on
 I feel useless - even in dance class at school I feel like an out cast.
I hope tomorrow is a snow day - it is snowing pretty hard.
I hung out with a friend today - I actually had a good time - I ate a bagel today. I didn't touch my dinner and it created a huge fight.
(Big sweaters are my favorite~)
love you who read my blog <3

Sunday, March 20, 2011

farewell march break :(

And so my march break has come to an end. I don't want to go back to school but it serves as a great distraction.
Tomorrow I am going to a concert.
My relationship is on the rocks off and on. So much for one thing in my life I thought was stable.
I burnt my arm - fail. now I have a very obvious bandage on my wrist.
Hope every one has a good night and sleeps well <3
I have twitter now for those twittering people <3 SarahLexxi  follow me :)