Friday, March 25, 2011

Click Clack

I started my first day of tap today and absolutely loved it. It was so much fun to learn something I've never done before. It was also dress down day today = I feel so ugly in everything I wear.
I'm screaming out for someone without making a sound
I've been having a rough time lately (as I'm sure you can tell) - my self esteem is in the pits and I'm fatter than I have been in a looonnng time. Tomorrow I'm going on the elliptical for 2 hours.
I need to organize myself a meal plan - 
I'm so depressed and I need a way out
This weekend is going to suck I'm stuck at my dads house.
I need some sleep - gotta get up in the morning.
Sometimes in dance I feel invisible and inferior but mostly that's just life - it bugs me more in dance- possibly because I want to be the beautiful thin dancer....
Have a good day tomorrow everyone - I love you all <3

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Way over weight Wednesday

I can't bare to look at myself in the mirror any more, I'm huge. at 129 pounds I'm a fucking whale to myself.
I got an elliptical today so I'm deffinatly going to be on that ALOT.
I joined tap club at school - just watch my thighs jiggle alot..
I'm so ticked at myself for eating so much- my solution - get busy. Not bringing money or bank card to school and working out after school or sleeping.
I need to lost alot of weight. Maybe by semi formal? April something or other.
If I don't soon I don't know what I'll do.
Regardless of my pure self hatred I did have a good time with my friends tonight watching America's Next Top Model.
Tomorrow is dress down day - I have no idea what I am going to wear - I'm fat in everything so whats the point in trying.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

life is so blank right now
nothing is going on
 I feel useless - even in dance class at school I feel like an out cast.
I hope tomorrow is a snow day - it is snowing pretty hard.
I hung out with a friend today - I actually had a good time - I ate a bagel today. I didn't touch my dinner and it created a huge fight.
(Big sweaters are my favorite~)
love you who read my blog <3

Sunday, March 20, 2011

farewell march break :(

And so my march break has come to an end. I don't want to go back to school but it serves as a great distraction.
Tomorrow I am going to a concert.
My relationship is on the rocks off and on. So much for one thing in my life I thought was stable.
I burnt my arm - fail. now I have a very obvious bandage on my wrist.
Hope every one has a good night and sleeps well <3
I have twitter now for those twittering people <3 SarahLexxi  follow me :)

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Happy St.Patrick's Day

Happy St.Patrick's Day Everyone.

I'm 129 pounds right now, the highest I've been in a while - its discusting, I'm discusting and lazy and fat and deserve to die. 

I'm Irish and I don't even feel like celebrating, I'm to fat for celebrations.

I remember when I was at 115 I thought I was too fat and wanted 110 - I'd do anything to be back there again.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011


I haven't been able to bring myself to write and then I just didn't have time. I spent the beginning of my March break visiting the two universities that I am considering and realized that I want to switch to another school my second year anyway X_x.
I wanted to be skinny for St.Patrick's Day - fail.
Since I am Irish tomorrow is a big day for my family therefore - party - green everything and so on so forth.
My latest goal is to loose weight (about 5 pound at least) by Monday - I have a concert and a dance test. Hope I don't fail - but I'm determined.

I haven't used the scale in the past three days - I walked for 8 hours... I ate twice.

I failed at giving up pop and cutting.
My mom almost found out I smoke sometimes.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Give it up

 --I'm giving up pop for Lent, Lent starts tomorrow and lasts about 44 days.
I have to get out of bed tomorrow but I don't know if I'll go to bed at all.
I hate depression but who would I be without it.
Tomorrow: smoke - water. nothing. empty.
Bonus - I can say I'm fasting for Ash Wednesday.
I binged on chocolate today - double fail for depression - im paying for this binge - cutting free = fail.
i need smokes fuck being 17 sometimes. i'll get them.
cuteness helps with saddness

middle day

I am not in school today and its the last week before March Break so I should be in school but I feel to fat and ugly and depressed to have even gotten out of bed this morning.
I slept for 11 hours and I'm still kinda sleepy. with me its either I sleep alot or I can't at all.
I hope everyone is having a good day. Post later <3
Love you all.

Monday, March 7, 2011

-- sleep needed.

I don't feel like updating my fingertips and burnin up page: I ate 500 calories and burnt 610.

I feel tired and sick and I want it to be friday.

            School sucked today, I feel like I want to disappear but of course I'm too fat.

Sunday, March 6, 2011

cry + times are changin.

Fail day number two.
I feel like a fat ass and look like one to.
I ate so much!
and for some reason I feel more motivated than ever. This week is veggie and fruit only week.
I don't care and I'm not going to let anything stand in my way!
I want:
fake nails.
teeth whitening strips.
acne stuff.
Its make over time.
watch me shrink, I'm going to do it and I'm not going to stop.
I had pizza for dinner *barf* and my friend texts me this : " I had spagetti and garlic bread, it was balanced and healthy." I'm like 3-2-1- open guilt gates.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Sucky Saturday

Binge Day - no I don't want to talk about it you can see my failure in the fingertips section - I feel sick. I will stay under 400 all next week.
Went to boyfriends today - made me eat.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Friday alone

So school was good nothing much went on. My friends and I went to MacDonald together and I RESISTED TEMPTATION (from milkshakes and grill cheese -the only things I can eat there). I was great because I ate my grapes and broccoli with a diet coke while my friends chowed down. :)  I'd like to say restricting and exercising have been going well the past few days but I still feel like a fat ass. I added another page to my blog called burnin up to log my exercise so you an me can see if i've burnt off more than I ate ect.
Again if there are any other pages you want to see let me know I'm open to ideas!!
As far as my friday night I've done nothing productive :P I painted my face like David Bowie and took pictures xD
Stay lovely <3

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Under the Covers

I bring you this blog update from insides a blanket.
I know I told myself I'd go to school today but I just couldn't bring myself to go =/. I feel depressed and I can't tell anyone so its "I'm not feeling well".
I have to go to school tomorrow because its my first day in my peer tutoring class and I have a philosophy test.
Blah I just feel so down =/
I can't bring myself to do anything.
Hugs for everyone who might be in the same boat.
My ed is also driving me nuts per usual its haunting me to exercise even though depression has drained me (I slept 14 hours too!) I can't eat over 500 cals or I'll just die.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011


Sometimes I wish there was a magical button to make the fat go away but sadly there is not.
I created a new page on my blog (after half an hour of trying to figure out how!) Its called fingertips -no I'm not going to have a running theme with body parts I've seen that been done a few times so ya :P
Hopefully my pages will grow.
For now fingertips is were I am going to post what I eat everyday and how much I weigh. I need to keep track and I think if I have the thought that I'm going to post it then I'll eat less perhaps. But I promise if I eat like a cow I will post truthfully.
Why fingertips you ask? well I imagine most people use their hands to eat. :P not much creativity I know.
If you have any suggestions for other pages you want me to have let me know =D

As for my day? - I stayed home from school and slept and did homework :P

America's Next Top Model is on tonight :)

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

I'm trying

today I went crazy job hunting so I hope I get a job! I did get a few on the spot interviews so fingers crossed!
I'm so exaughsted its rediculous and I'm staying home from school tomorrow.
I exercised my ass of today with dance for 80 minutes, 3hrs of walking and some sit up for a total of 880 calories burned.
I ate fruits and veggies today!!!
nothing much else to say because I am exhausted :P