Tuesday, November 16, 2010

fast fail, emotional shut down

I cut and I cut deep, I'm ok but not emotionally, I've taken today and tomorrow off of school. I broke my fast with something small, soup with some noodles. I can't really eat anything. I went from my newly gained 125 to 122. I feel so fat and discusting I just hate myself so much and I'm so depressed. I didn't get out of bed today until 5pm.
Depression won't let me move
it wont let me live
it makes me sleep or keeps me away
it makes everyone hate me and me hated everyone
it wont let me win

My mother today was like "your so stupid and nasty I can't believe I kept you, you can't do anything properly and then asked are you being bullied and I'm like no!! and I'm not.
She made me so angry.


  1. Hi :) I'm Night_Flower (from PT, new-ish to blogger) And I've just started following your blog. I'm sorry you feel so bad :( The soup with noodles isn't so bad though, sometimes you just need something little to keep you going...
    And that's horrible what your mother said - I'm sure it's not true. From what I can tell you seem like a really nice person. :)
    I hope you feel a bit better soon, anyway. :)
    Night_Flower x

  2. The hypocrisy of emotional abuse makes me want to vomit. Literally. It brings back vivid memories of me just staring at her, so mad I can't talk, thinking, 'maybe if I empty the contents of my stomach all over you, you will feel as disgusting as I do right now'.

    I hope your mood lightens a bit soon and that your mother gives you a bit of a break, at least for a little while.

    You're lovely and you will win.

  3. moms are stupid. my mother doesnt understand she feeds the depression she doesnt see. when its quite obvious. i hope it gets better for you though.

    all my love,
    be safe. <3