Thrashing Thursday

Rawr Rant
I was just watching the new and it was talking about how 50 people will lose their jobs at mental facilities because of budget cut from the city. Why would you cut something like that. It is proven that the people they serve will end up out in the cold. People who need help, who need therapy won't be able to get it. I live in a place where health care is free but it seems so limited. What if I finally decide to get help and there is no one there. Our city can afford new football fields and entertainment centers but we can't help people who really need it? It seems like their putting people who are sick with mental illnesses below people with other sicknesses and it makes me want to vomit.

Today in Life
Gave my Hamlet Presentation - went good!
Spent my whole lunch picking one low fat pudding.
Cleaned the fish tank in science
nothing.

Tomorrows Shoes
Zombie marathon!
Being ok with not having a maternal figure being ok when I don't get what I'm looking for from the person I want to be my maternal figure.

-perhaps my new format for my blog <3

Damaged

No one wants a damaged person, there too much work. No one wants me.
I went to my boyfriends house tonight, felt kind of ignored and just dazed today. I've just eaten so friggen much I'm so fat and ugly. I feel like "oh, you look sad today.." leaves you alone.
Just screaming out for help when no one wants to help you seems useless. If I was super skinny then maybe they could see. May cutting is just one way of saying hey I'm here I'm alive and I have the power.
My own mother can't love me, how can anyone else. especially another mother figure when all I want it "You look sad come here and I'll hug you"
Am I insane?
Am I asking too much?

I just want to be a strong woman. I'm so broken.

P.S - long night of homework ahead and my mother and father are fighting over the phone and I'm what their fighting about among other things then I get all the rath...

Monday Madness

I hate mondays to be honest.
I get up and go to school to struggle through my day terrified of the swarms of people and trying to learn what I can.
I went to my boyfriends today after school and made sure to stay out late enough for my mom to go to bed and now I'm tired but anything is better than my mother.
Me and my boyfriend went to the mall to wonder then went back to his place to watch TV and sit with his mom. I wish I had a mom like his growing up and even now, she is the most amazing person I have ever met.
My emotions are going nuts and I'm cutting alot more but not as much as I use to when I was 10-13. I want to scream out but I want to keep it to myself because I'm ashamed. But I need to do it. Fail.
However not eating is coming alot easier to me lately for no apparent reason of course depression might be helping.

sunday.

I spent my day watching eating disorder movies and documentaries. I like What's Eating You.
I'm feeling depressed again and am really fighting the urge to stay home from school.
I ate so much today, my dad took me to tim hortans and I have broccoli soup and a donut and hot chocolate, he ordered for me.
I had vegetarian chicken strips  and peas.
fail me.
Tomorrow is coffee. And avoiding massive amounts at food at my boyfriends.
Fighting the urge to cut is becoming harder and I bought arm warmers to cover my cuts.
I'm going job hunting tomorrow because me and my mom have 80 dollars till Thursday when she gets paid.
My insomnia is back so prepare for late night posts perhaps.
I've also been dreaming more when I do sleep.

In my dreams

Firstly, I handed in that report about my childhood, I wrote about daycare and that was it.
The comedy was hilarious and its nice to be able to go out and laugh, forget about all the shit and crap and just laugh so hard your face hurts.
Super super sad, my belly dancing classes where canceled!!! now I think I'm going to try and sign up for Ariel yoga, its like the circus people on those cloth ropes!! I really want to try it.
I spent alot of time last night trying to explain to my boyfriend why I cut, but obviously he can't understand and then he tried the if you do it I'll do it aproach I cried so hard trying to explain that it just doesn't work that way and finally got him to promise me not to do. I've been cutting for so long I've never truly learnt other ways to channel my emotions and it just feels so apart of me.
Coming to the main point of this blog now, dreams. I have so many dreams of someone coming to saving my from this home this life this disease its rediculis. Last night I dreamt someone who doesn't know of my cutting that I hold close to me saw them and wanted to help. I know its probably my body screaming out for help but I just can't do it. I think about getting better but I can't see who I would be after getting help. I've always been damaged.

Decapitated Walls.

Blah feelings of doubt and insecurity.
Today was a really bad day at school, considering I got minimal sleep from staying up late last night finishing my Hamlet 12 page report I was on hypersensitivity mode.
In sociology we are learning about child early years development, attachment and the effect on later life. We are to write a report about our childhood. Mine would look like this, my mom screwed me up beat me up and  hates me, now i'm fucked with an ed cutting and anxiety.. that is not an option. Staring at the blank paper wonder how to concoct a wonderful lie of a beautiful childhood in contrast to my own childhood gave me a panic attack.
I'll make up something or not hand it in at all.
When I think about how much my childhood has screwed me up I want to puke.
Tomorrow I'm going out with friends to a comedy show which i won tickets to. I booked the tickets so I can get them at the door tomorrow, I always get fears something is going to go wrong.
Saturday I start my first of three belly dancing classes in hopes of some confidence.

Anyone there?

I don't know if anyone reads my blog anymore but I'm hoping so!
the past few days of school have been really sad because we've lost a great student and the whole school is in mourning.
I'm starting a new fruits and veggie diet only!
I shall keep you posted on that
this month is crazy , exams and final tasks. dive in.

Does this rule me.
Take me.
Put my heart aside.
Shake me.
Lift me.
Hear me.
Help me.
I'm screaming through the white walls.
The white walls with ED slashed on it red paint.
Spin.

Welcome 2011

I haven't posted in a while because I've been going through somethings with my family..
I'm glad its a new year and for new years I did end up drinking quite a bit but didn't get very drunk oddly enough.
I neeeeed to lose this weight that I'm carrying on my hips and legs its reallly bad.
I was wondering if anyone knows of any sites that you can sell your poetry?
Today I'm going to my dad's house and hes taking me out to dinner (he is ok if I get salad!) speaking of parents yesterday my mom poked at my sides and was like you'll never be a model with these!! (love handles) I just about bawled.
I have about 8 hours of homework ahead of me because I go back to school tomorrow (bleck) 3 weeks till exams!! (gulp)
My boyfriend just went home and it feels so lonely without him because I love him so much and I've been trying to surround myself with people lately.
Ok well I shall update later :)
any topics people would like me to write about?
love you all.