Monday maddness

Mother: Your tired
Me: I'm not tired
Mother: I can tell
Me: no you can't
Mother: yes I can!
Me: IM NOT TIRED! I EVEN DRANK AN ENERGY DRINK
Mother: your scaring the cats, if your not tired then clean up...seriously lets go...clean
Me: I'm doing homework
Mother: Why your stupid anyway
Me: My grades would disagree with you
Mother: I can tell your tired, you better take your B6
Me: JEEEPERRSSS

ya a little play of my normal mother conversations. not even fights
today sucked but I looked remotely good for my grad pictures.
I ate - fuck. Why can't  I just stop, I've cut down and I'm still a fat ass. I just want to stop eating all together, I will ... coffee I want coffee and a smoke.

fudge my life-

I think I passed my biology test thank goodness.
Was at my dads place all weekend so I couldn't blog - sorry.
My mom is still bitching and won't let my go on this school trip to Ottawa, shes bitching about everything and when I don't do something she is so mean about everything and then shes all "your tired" and I'm like no I'm tired. Shes like don't blame me if your pictures are awful. Shes so sure she knows everything about everything. Then she blows up in anger. - I'm not sure how much longer I can take it here. and she is your classic neat freak everything must be clean (which usually means empty and white).
I'm depressed and so fucking tired of being so fucking fat I need to make rules for  myself and get thin thin thin.
I hate myself and I'm no good to anyone.
Grad photos tomorrow and I'm sure to be ugly as usually and dress down day so I'm sure to look so fat in whatever I wear.

Stress.

I am so stressed out!
I have a biology test tomorrow and I am so not ready! I don't want to fail I want to do well so I'm studying my ass off! (haha I wish my real ass would go away). I have so much on my plate because its my last year in highschool.
I hate hate hate x1000 my ugly fat body so much it hurts. I don't want to consume anything! I have graduation photos on Monday! I need a hair cut and new make up and teeth whitening kit to try and mask my ugly fat face :(
I just want to crawl in a hole and pretend like I don't have to worry about my future.
If I was beautiful and skinny life would be easier.
Uggggggg, and there is a winter storm warning for my area but it never snows enough to close school when you need it to be closed!!!
I still haven't cut but at this point its soooo tempting. my mother is being a bitch like usually, yelling at me and blaming me for everything and ofcourse drinking her problems away and taking it out on me while I try and study.
lfkeoj409jgolkjdflkvjejfkljzglxkl;......................................ya.
boy oh boy....
maybe if I just stay concentrated (ha!) I won't have to eat.
hope everyone is better off than me! love you beautifuls. <3

Woah!

I'm going prom dress shopping tomorrow!!! I can't wait even though I know I'll look fat in a lot of things.
I've just drank a 20cal energy drink to finish my homework X_x
I am going job hunting thursday.
I have even more crazy amounts of school work so gulp!
and you know what time it is here in Canada ... ROLLL UP THE RRRIM, now I've never one but I drink so much coffee (usually black) around this time of year :P
I'm wired in xD
Stay beautiful ladies and gents.
Still cut free! but feeling the urge again and stress and not knowing how to handle everything, I'll keep you posted.
Check out and comment my deviantART profile / pics http://sarahbumblebee.deviantart.com/

my gosh!

I just realized I haven't posted in forever!!
I've been sick and busy - not a good combination
I have projects coming out my ass and I need a job soooo badly.
Today I went shopping and got some clothes (which I rarely do)
I went to a party last night and I never want to drink again, I was so drunk it wasn't funny. UGG
I don't have much else to say but lets see.
I am still cutting free!!
I weighed 123 this morning!
I am getting more into photography again~ http://sarahbumblebee.deviantart.com/
I am exaughsted. good night!

Tuesday 15. 2011 (real unique)

The peer tutoring trip today was fun except for the fact I had a major head ache all day. I got home and scanned some notes for a friend and then took a nap. My mother cooked me dinner; potatoes, burrioto and peas, all of it went into a plastic bag which I threw out. I feel like I'm not losing any weight and it sucks. Tomorrow I have my dance test for hip hop *gulp* and I need to catch up in all my classes because I've missed two days due to peer tutoring trips. I found my prom dress today and I love it. Its green :) I'll show you! Other than that I'm not really doing anything right now but tomorrow I need to get with my partner for my philosophy project and work on it! I still haven't thought of anything to do to re invent myself. thoughts? ...

Valentines Day

Today was Valentine's Day so I hope everyone has a good one or even just a good Monday.
I had a good V day and got a teddy bear :)
Tomorrow I have yet another peer tutoring field trip! This one is about conflict resolution and we don't have to wear our school uniform *gulp* that means I have to look decent and all I can think is how fat and ugly I look in everything!
I'm really sleepy now so I better get some sleep.
Good night beautifuls.

the mirror reflects noone.

Do you ever see someone and think "I wish that was me" or how confident they are and you just doubt yourself?
I'm feeling the need to re invent myself. I need things that I can change. I'm getting back into photography and art so check out my deviant art account : http://sarahbumblebee.deviantart.com/
It seems like I'm bothered by someone who has decided to do the same things as me, I said I was going to start writing again, they decided the same things. maybe its just this circle of needing something all on my own.
So re invent myself I will
first goal : drop 20 pounds go from 124- 104.
I can work on other goals as they come along.
Becoming vegan is slowly coming into play now to as I've cut out half of my dairy.
For tonight I am going to watch the grammys :) (loving katy perry)
Tomorrow is Valentines day, even though my relationship has been rocky lately I'm cooking a romantic dinner tomorrow.