Snowy Saturday

Today I ate so much I wish I could puke it up, but my body doesn't do that.
I had grill cheese, cheese cake, cafe mocha, and some popcorn. oh aand some crisps.
Didn't get to go to the comedy show because it was cancelled but me and my friends went to a movie instead, we saw No Strings Attached and it was funny :P
I bought a new jacket and dress for dress down day at school.
Next saturday I'm going up to Toronto to help my sister move :)
This weekend EXAM STUDY! Monday I write my final english essay on "how do the protaganists of The kite runner, Man for all seasons and Hamlet take control of their destiny"
wish me luck
*time to work out*
night beautifuls <3

This Thursday Thick Thighs

fuck.
fuck my thoughts.
fuck my fat cellulite thighs and ass.
fuck my body.
fuck that I want to die
time to work out till I shake again
tonight:
-cruches for two longish songs
-squats till it burns and a little more
- dog hydrant thingers for my fat ass
-I already did some running today.
UPDATE: I did more than this! YAY
Tomorrows diet:
breakfast - nothing.
lunch- diet Pepsi possibly 50 cal soup (yay microwave at school)
dinner- avoidance but I'm going to be with the boyfriend so =/ I'll go back to my hiding food days, [I could make a whole baked potato with sourcream disapear seeming like I actually ate it, hah]

Tomorrows exercise:
-same routine as today but after the boyfriend goes to sleep
-skating! 

I'm going to Yuk Yuks comedy club again on saturday, could I please lose some weight  :P

Start of Thin Thursday

Last night I did actually work out! not till I threw up but non the less. I did crunches till my stomach was shaking when I did them, then I did squats and the plank for a rep of 10 side twists that just about killed me XD
Today for breakfast because I'm a strong believer in fruit breakfast , Pineapple! just a few square slices. And some coke for the energy.
I'm watching Arthur right now while I get ready for school, I skipped my period 4/5 class yesterday and will most likely get in trouble for it today but I don't really care.
Today at lunch I won't be eating anything and its my goal to sleep through dinner and not snack in science class, one person said the other day "are you and alexx always eating in science??" I felt like I was going to cry.
I'll let youu know how today went and my liquid fast if over! I went from 128 to 124 as of this morning!
Half and hour till the city bus gets here, betting get some make-up on!

Why Wednesday Why!

Today three people where talking about me. About how I looked healthier compared to the 110-115 pound 10th grader I use to be. I'm 125-128 pounds and in 12 grade and this may have come as a compliment to anyone else but I felt discusting and awful and sick to my stomach when this was said I wanted to bawl my eyes out.
I want to be skinny skinny skinny so you know what...their going to watch me shrink! I'm done.
Me and my boyfriend even got into a fight today because I'm not happy enough for him, well sorry I don't know how to be happy 80% of the time. Fuck.

One of my friends said something that I have been thinking for a long time today: "If my own mother can't love me how can I expect anyone else to?"

Fuck.fuck.fuck
....*goes to work out*
I'm working out till I throw up!

response to silent nightmare

Silent Nightmare asked me if I had ever imagined a scenario where I tell my friends about everything and if they reacted badly.
I have imagined many scenarios for many of my friends and some do turn out negatively based on how I know what their personality is like, if they are cold or superficial or just wouldn't know what to say its a very good reason for me to keep it to myself.
Most of my friends I wouldn't tell mostly because I wouldn't want to bother them with my life =/
Only very few friends know about my alcoholic/ abusive mother and barley anyone knows of my ED.
I just thought I'd share in a blog response so everyone could read it :)
Thank you for asking Silent Nightmare!
I say things about telling someone in my blogs a lot and I just really want it to be the right person I reach out to if I ever do and preferably I want it to be an adult that is like a mother to me. I'm struggling with that.
by the way I have formspring for fun now! at http://www.formspring.me/SarahAlexisB

testy tuesday

my friends needed me today. It seems like all my friends are going through stuff right now and I'm the one they come to. It feels good but inside I'm saying if only I could tell you what I do.

Liquid fast is going really well! but I did have a few high cal drinks :(

Exercise today consisted of
10 reps of 20 crunches
10 reps of 20 squats
1min of plank'
[nothing to serious]

Tomorrow I don't have anything planned
Exams soon, must study!

moody monday

I'm posting now because I'm going to my dad's right after school today and for the night and even if I wasn't I'm going to be way too tired to blog later today.
I stayed up all night to finish my sociology project and I'm sooo tired. I have to get through English presentations then lunch then sociology and science.
Today I'm starting my liquid fast because I can just say I'm too tired to eat lunch and to my dad I can say I'm not feeling well which will get me liquid soup.

I've put some more thought into my elephant tattoo and decided I want a Shakespeare quote under it. I've always loved Shakespeare and think its beautiful. I'm going to put some serious thought in getting it soon after I decide on a quote.

:) stay strong beautifuls.
wish me luck staying awake today!

Stupid Sundays

I had a lovely weekend with my boyfriend and it takes 5minutes at home to bring my world crashing back down.
my mom is so drunk per usual and shes all angry that my father is fine with my and not angry that I forgot to call him.
She couldn't work a phone to call and yell at him about me so she just yells at me and I'm trying to ignore her so I take myself to my bedroom when I want to be watching the Golden Globes.
Its also going to be an all nighter for my sociology project due tomorrow and I've only scratched the surface.

Still looking for a better mother. =/ I'll just be a 100000000000X better