Dance dance dance

My school is doing a dance showcase and I actually want to audition but I don't know what to audition yet. What would you like to see someone dance??? Help :)
Other than that today was bleky, my boyfriend got his mid term and it was not good he has to get it pulled up so we can go to the same universities!!
I did good on my mid term.
I'm sooooo exaughsted.
I neeeeed to loooosssee this weight -.-
BLAH
Sleeeeep.

Technologically handicaped/ poem

I just spent the last two hours figuring out for to convert files to make sure my project will open up at the school X_x
I've gained weight and I'm so mad at myself.
I don't really have much to say because I'm reallly exaughsted so I wrote something instead :)

I’m called wise for remembering the tricks simple humans teach me

I’m called strong for the lifting I do to survive

I’m thick skinned and nothing can hurt me

Accept the keepers of me

A gun, a spear, a knife

Will pentatrate my skin

I can care for myself

Independence

But you humans seem to rely on me

For white, wonderful, ivory

You care not for my life, nor my intelligence

Truthfully I am shy and strong

But you hurt me

Protect me.

Elephants are my favorite animal there so strong and wise but they can be over come by so much and humans treat them wrongly, I'm going to get a tattoo of an elephant with the words wise strong scared under neith as a representaion of what anorexia and cutting and mental health has done to me. 

school day.

I'm going to school ahahaha.
Seriously though its intense, I'm writing an essay I have no idea what to write for it.
I have a seven to ten page research lit paper omfg and I have to find my science text book because I lost it X_x
So today is a minimum food day, I had no breakfast and won't even be tempted by lunch because I'll be working in a classroom and then I'll sleep through dinner!
Yesterday I broke down to my boyfriend about most of everything and feeling like all the mental issues I have are taking a strain so on so forth.
Stay strong beauties!

Weekend, over

It's Sunday, the day to think "oh yay I've got the rest of the week stairing me in the face"
Whats in store for this week? boyfriends, essays, uni applications. working on an audition dance for a dance show no idea what song to use so if anyone has any ideas let me know :)
Just binged and it was nasty but ive done 800 sit ups as punishment
my goal this week is to lose 5 pounds this one week! I don't know if its possible but I'm going to try. I've learnt to avoid lunch with out suspision and have become great at "eating dinner" I sit at the coffee table alone to eat and I throw its all into a plastic bag and when my mom isn't looking or is in the shower I empty the plastic bag out in the wooded area behind my house TADA gone.
Stay strong everyone.

Screaming while invisible

Today I was forgotten. My English and Science teacher didn't even realize I was in class.
Another note, my cutting, I've been doing it so long and before that hurting myself in other ways its the only ways I grew up knowing how to manage my emotions. I have the worst self esteem but sometimes I wish there was another way for me to manage my emotions instead of feeling so out of control all the time and then cutting. My boyfriend knows I cut and he doesn't like that I do it but he doesn't seem to get that I'm screaming at the top of my lungs for help, sometimes I wish he would tell someone like his mom, sometimes I walk down the halls at school wishing someone would notice and care even though I cover them up. Sometimes I just want it to be all over but then I think its been going on for so long why bother won't I feel weird if I ever stop. The same thing goes for my eating disorder but thats more of a battle but sometimes I hold cutting alot closer, its who I am and what I was raised on.

Tired, but small proudness.

I pulled off the test better than I thought!
I will pull together my learning portfolio tonight.
I got english done. and one science lab done.
And you know what I haven't eaten in 42 hours =D
I hope I'm losing in fact...*running to scale*....118.5! small improvement but definatly better than the 123.5lbs I saw early this week!
Besides the fact I've got the shakes and a bit of neausea I feel great!
I'm going to go to my dad's and nap then get up and go out for dinner (salade no dressing!)
I'm feeling motivated.
Lets drop this weight.
Goal weight one: 115
Goal weight two: 110

Goal weight: 100

All nighter

I didn't go to school again today. I have a shit load of homework, most importantly my review for my sociology test tomorrow and I basically have no idea what I'm doing. I'm going to be up all night doing it. Then tomorrow I have to work on this HUGE project for sociology again all nighter. Plus i have english questions, read the Road figure out what the hell im going to write for my essay on the Road which i write on the 9th. PLUS I have science to catch up on with readings and questions and lab reports. HOLY EFFIN JEEEPERSS.
Plus side, it doesn't give me a whole lot of time to eat. I haven't eaten anything today and I have a 100 cal energy drink to get me through the night. YAY.

The depression is still there and its eating me alive its almost impossible to get out of bed. I broke down at the bus stop tonight begging my boyfriend not to go home and stay with me becuase im scared to be alone, he had to go home though. 

Depression.

I didn't get out of bed until 2pm today. I didn't go to school. I have homework to do, which I'm doing now and its so stupid. I don't think I'm going to get into my university program.
I cut myself last night after the night I had, I can't get happy and im spiralling out of control. I want so much to reach out but there seems to be no one there that can help, I don't know if I even what to let go of my habits. Its who I am its who I've always been.
Tomorrow I will go to school, I must, besides I've been cutting since I was 11 and no ones ever noticed, I have mad hiding skills.