collapsed-beauty
This is my blog about anything. Daily updates about my eating disorder, my life, my everythng. i'm going to post a picture with each blog I do I'll explain the photo or leave for you to try and understand. This blog is going to be my Sanctuary.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
goodbye summer
passing out in mac donalds was an ironic situation. I went with my friends (I only ever get drinks at mac donalds) and I was standing in line with them when the room kinda got blurry then well I woke up -.-'
Ofcourse in my 120 pound body (yes i've lost 4 pounds) no one would suspect me of not eating so I "was coming down with something" - thus I got free juice.
I don't recommend running and not eating since lunch the previous day -.-'
School starts in exactly 5 hours and I've decided to make the best out of my victory lap.
I went job hunting today so hopefully I get a call!
Also - starving is addictive - cutting is addictive and both my parents struggle with alchoholism so I have a very addictive personalitly - my new thing is scratch cards - all though I've only spent 8dollars on two of them and am just playing off of my winnings I can feel that "rush" and am watching myself carefully.
I have also successfully located a long sleeve knit sweater uniform piece for school - not too hot to wear this time of year so no one will question why I am wearing it (yes I am hiding cuts).
and for some reason I think it will be fun to post a picture of me in my uniform tomorrow - weird me.
Ofcourse in my 120 pound body (yes i've lost 4 pounds) no one would suspect me of not eating so I "was coming down with something" - thus I got free juice.
I don't recommend running and not eating since lunch the previous day -.-'
School starts in exactly 5 hours and I've decided to make the best out of my victory lap.
I went job hunting today so hopefully I get a call!
Also - starving is addictive - cutting is addictive and both my parents struggle with alchoholism so I have a very addictive personalitly - my new thing is scratch cards - all though I've only spent 8dollars on two of them and am just playing off of my winnings I can feel that "rush" and am watching myself carefully.
I have also successfully located a long sleeve knit sweater uniform piece for school - not too hot to wear this time of year so no one will question why I am wearing it (yes I am hiding cuts).
and for some reason I think it will be fun to post a picture of me in my uniform tomorrow - weird me.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Sunday, April 3, 2011
for now
For now I am denying myself my blog. Blogging is really important to me and I just feel so discusting and fat and like I can't stop eating so this is my punishment. I'll come back to you all when I'm in a space I am comfortable. Perhaps 120 okay?
I'll still be reading your blogs :)
you can contact me or just post and I'll respond.
I'm officially off the rails <3
[yeah i love effy]
Friday, March 25, 2011
Click Clack
I started my first day of tap today and absolutely loved it. It was so much fun to learn something I've never done before. It was also dress down day today = I feel so ugly in everything I wear.
I'm screaming out for someone without making a sound
I've been having a rough time lately (as I'm sure you can tell) - my self esteem is in the pits and I'm fatter than I have been in a looonnng time. Tomorrow I'm going on the elliptical for 2 hours.
I need to organize myself a meal plan -
I'm so depressed and I need a way out
This weekend is going to suck I'm stuck at my dads house.
I need some sleep - gotta get up in the morning.
Sometimes in dance I feel invisible and inferior but mostly that's just life - it bugs me more in dance- possibly because I want to be the beautiful thin dancer....
Have a good day tomorrow everyone - I love you all <3
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Way over weight Wednesday
I can't bare to look at myself in the mirror any more, I'm huge. at 129 pounds I'm a fucking whale to myself.
I got an elliptical today so I'm deffinatly going to be on that ALOT.
I joined tap club at school - just watch my thighs jiggle alot..
I'm so ticked at myself for eating so much- my solution - get busy. Not bringing money or bank card to school and working out after school or sleeping.
I need to lost alot of weight. Maybe by semi formal? April something or other.
If I don't soon I don't know what I'll do.
Regardless of my pure self hatred I did have a good time with my friends tonight watching America's Next Top Model.
Tomorrow is dress down day - I have no idea what I am going to wear - I'm fat in everything so whats the point in trying.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
life is so blank right now
nothing is going on
I feel useless - even in dance class at school I feel like an out cast.
I hope tomorrow is a snow day - it is snowing pretty hard.
I hung out with a friend today - I actually had a good time - I ate a bagel today. I didn't touch my dinner and it created a huge fight.
(Big sweaters are my favorite~)
love you who read my blog <3
Sunday, March 20, 2011
farewell march break :(
And so my march break has come to an end. I don't want to go back to school but it serves as a great distraction.
Tomorrow I am going to a concert.
My relationship is on the rocks off and on. So much for one thing in my life I thought was stable.
I burnt my arm - fail. now I have a very obvious bandage on my wrist.
Hope every one has a good night and sleeps well <3
I have twitter now for those twittering people <3 SarahLexxi follow me :)
Tomorrow I am going to a concert.
My relationship is on the rocks off and on. So much for one thing in my life I thought was stable.
I burnt my arm - fail. now I have a very obvious bandage on my wrist.
Hope every one has a good night and sleeps well <3
I have twitter now for those twittering people <3 SarahLexxi follow me :)
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